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successful professional athletes

successful professional athletes m9A61
Many successful professional athletes are considered rich in various societies, whether they are well-known soccer players living their fullest in Europe or acknowledged boxers laying on piles of money in USA. Therefore, this luxurious lifestyle is not justified and also criticized by many individuals. Whereas their fans, teams or companies in sports industry defend athlete's enormous earnings. The ideology of social equality is still spreading through cultures and societies with having medium on it's side. Establishing an equal earning, equivalent employing rate and the slogan "everyone should be equal with any cost, for the sake of society", construct this ideology. With this assumption that rich, including sports professionals, have to provide wealth for lower paying workers. As a result, socialists accuse affluent athletes as overrated earners who would not contribute to their society. Inherently, exercising encourages people to succeed in their life. This encouragement combining with thrilled face of fans and sport lovers thrives athletes to push harder. Consequently, sport enthusiasts appreciate their athlete's efforts and believe that athlete's paychecks are well deserved. On the other hand, athletes are limited in exhibiting their best performance by their age. After they pass certain age they can't function as their youth ages. So retirement is not as far as they think and soon enough professional athletes ought to maintain another source of income. In my opinion, athletes are treasures for a nation even if their exists for a while, they require society's aids after retirement. They sacrificed a lot to be in their best shape and have the world on their tale. In conclusion, athlete's earnings depend on many aspects through thier career. However, as long as there are equal opportunities in sports industry, demanding lower payment for athletes is not acceptable. Owing to the fact that talents flourish when we invest on them and getting to the top is not possible with financial problems.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
successful professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
are considered
rich in various societies, whether they are well-known soccer players living their fullest in Europe or acknowledged boxers laying on piles of money
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the USA".
in USA
.
Therefore
, this luxurious lifestyle is not justified and
also
criticized by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals. Whereas their fans, teams or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
industry defend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athlete's
enormous earnings.

The ideology of social equality is
still
spreading through cultures and societies with having medium on it's side. Establishing an equal earning, equivalent employing rate and the slogan
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
everyone should be equal with any cost, for the sake of society
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
, construct this ideology. With this assumption that rich, including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
professionals,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
provide wealth for lower paying workers.
As a result
, socialists accuse affluent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
as overrated earners who would not contribute to their society.

Inherently
, exercising encourages
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to succeed in their life. This encouragement combining with thrilled face of fans and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
lovers thrives
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
to push harder.

Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
enthusiasts appreciate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athlete's
efforts and believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athlete's
paychecks are well deserved.
On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
are limited
in exhibiting their best performance by their age. After they pass certain age they can't function as their youth ages.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
retirement is not as far as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
ought to maintain another source of income.

In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
are treasures for a nation even if their exists for a while, they require society's aids after retirement. They sacrificed a lot to be in their best shape and have the world on their tale.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athlete's
earnings depend on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
aspects through
Possible spelling mistake found.
thier
career.
However
, as long as there are equal opportunities in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
industry, demanding lower payment for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
is not acceptable. Owing to the fact that talents flourish when we invest on them and getting to the top is not possible with financial problems.
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IELTS essay successful professional athletes

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
313 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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