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Successful people try new thing and take risks rather than doing things they know

Successful people try new thing and take risks rather than doing things they know aJVJY
In my opinion, the successful people take risks and try new thing than doing thing that they already know. Many people get succeed in our society such as scientists, businessmen and the leader because of their hunger to do something new, to take risks and to continue their efforts till they get success. To begin with, the quality of the person drags him/her toward the success. Some extraordinary people always keep themselves doing something new and try to find something different. For example, the NASA scientists are in search of life on Mars. Doesn’t matter whether they get success or not but they keep on trying to find it with hope of getting success. Thus, their eagerness will lead to the success someday. The second important thing is the risk taking ability. We find many businessmen surrounding us took many risk to be successful business. If they would have stopped taking risk then they would not have been successful. For instance, the most successful businessman Mr. Bill Gates have been passed through many hurdles in his life but he didn’t tired and kept on working on it and taking risk to be successful. Thus, risk taking ability of Bill Gates made him popular and successful businessman. Lastly, successful people continues their efforts to get success. They do not sit calm and quiet till they get it. As I gave example of scientists of NASA in my former paragraph, even they did not get any success about the life on Mars, they keeps on trying. They try to expand their research more and more to get closure to their goals. To conclude, Successful people take risks and try to do something new than doing things that they already know. So they keep on doing some things, take risk and continue their efforts to be sucesful rather than doing what they know.
In my opinion, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risks
and try
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
thing than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
thing that they already know.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
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people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
succeed in our society such as scientists, businessmen and the leader
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their hunger to do
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something
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
, to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risks
and to continue their efforts till they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
success.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the quality of the person drags him/her toward the
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success
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
extraordinary
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people
always
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keep
themselves
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
and try to find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
.
For example
, the NASA scientists are in search of life on Mars. Doesn’t matter whether they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
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success
or not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
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keep
on trying to find it with hope of getting
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success
.
Thus
, their eagerness will lead to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
someday.

The second
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
thing is the
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risk
taking ability. We find
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
businessmen surrounding us took
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risk
to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
business. If they would have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stopped
taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risk
then they would not have been
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
.
For instance
, the most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
businessman Mr. Bill Gates have
been passed
through
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
hurdles in his life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
he didn’t
The verb 'didn't' requires base form of this verb: "tire"
tired
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
on working on it and taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risk
to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risk
taking ability of Bill Gates made him popular and
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successful
businessman.

Lastly
,
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successful
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people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
continues
their efforts to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
. They do not sit calm and quiet till they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
it. As I gave example of scientists of NASA in my former paragraph, even they did not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
any
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success
about the life on Mars, they
The pronoun 'they' must be used with a non-third-person form of a verb: "keep"
keeps
on trying. They try to expand their research more and more to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
closure to their goals.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risks
and try to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
Use "newer" to make a comparison with this adjective.
new
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
things that they already know.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
keep
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
things, take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risk
and continue their efforts to be
Possible spelling mistake found.
sucesful
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
what they know.
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IELTS essay Successful people try new thing and take risks rather than doing things they know

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
310 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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