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Studying the English in an English-speaking country is the best but not the only way to learn the language. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Studying the English in an English-speaking country is the best but not the only way to learn the language. v. 1
It is stated that many academic institutes do not provide enough education to teach about health issues for teenagers. In my opinion, I definitely disagree with that kind of argument because we may not understand about the school's curriculum. In addition, there is some evidence proving teachers also care for their pupils. To start with the first clue is there are many social activities held in local areas to spread out the knowledge about protecting health especially for children. Furthermore, annual physical tournaments for children are celebrated in March in my district, which contains the main objective sharing people information about healthcare and how to doing exercise. The second reason which convinced me is children nowadays can understand the importance of doing exercise. Every time I go running in a park, I always see there are some children doing aerobic exercise or go running with their relatives. Personally, I think this is quite clear signal of a certain determination about fitness concern. Lastly, sex-education now becomes a first and foremost section which supposes to be put in the teaching method because this can help children protect themselves against the sexual abuse which usually happens nowadays. From my understanding, now every eighth-grade student, for example, have to finish at least two courses of gender quality and sexual relationship. I think these requirements are acceptable so as to provide student's consciousness of gender. In conclusion, I am convinced that schools have been done many works in order to teach students how to be strong and healthy such as organize social events, encourage student do exercises and involve sex-education into the school's curriculum. However, schools also need to think more ways to support healthy awareness for students because these existing methods seem to be not enough for some people.
It
is stated
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
academic institutes do not provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
education to teach about health issues for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
. In my opinion, I definitely disagree with that kind of argument
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
we may not understand about the school's curriculum.
In addition
, there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
evidence proving teachers
also
care for their pupils.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with the
first
clue is there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
social activities held in local areas to spread out the knowledge about protecting health
especially
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Furthermore
, annual physical tournaments for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are celebrated
in March in my district, which contains the main objective sharing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
information about healthcare and how to doing exercise.

The second reason which convinced me is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
nowadays can understand the importance of doing exercise. Every time I go running in a park, I always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
doing aerobic exercise or go running with their relatives.
Personally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this is quite
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
signal of a certain determination about fitness concern.

Lastly
, sex-education
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
becomes a
first
and foremost section which supposes to
be put
in the teaching method
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
protect themselves against the sexual abuse which
usually
happens nowadays. From my understanding,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
every eighth-grade
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
,
for example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
finish at least two courses of gender quality and sexual relationship. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
these requirements are acceptable
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
provide student's consciousness of gender.

In conclusion
, I
am convinced
that schools have
been done
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
works in order to teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
how to be strong and healthy such as organize social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
, encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
do exercises and involve sex-education into the school's curriculum.
However
, schools
also
need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
more ways to support healthy awareness for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these existing methods seem to be not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
The conquest of learning is achieved through the knowledge of languages.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Studying the English in an English-speaking country is the best but not the only way to learn the language. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
296 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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