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some people believe that luck, plays an important rule in being successful, while others don't believe in luck, whats is your position, support your argument with examples and details. v.1

some people believe that luck, plays an important rule in being successful, while others don't believe in luck, whats is your position, support your argument with examples and details. v. 1
In the era of information and data there are great sources that all human beings can have access to them and use their details. Some people believe it is necessary to be open source that everyone can achieve get what he wants, however, others think that all information should be bought. Although I agree with the first opinion, in this essay both views will be discussed. At the first, by the technological and communication developments, most of the scientific, business and academic papers which are published in developing countries, is better to be free to help third world states. For an instance, the new business models can affect the export means or novel technology of medicine can save several lives in developing countries by helping of a cutting-edge article released from USA or Europe. Therefore, sustainable development can achieve in all sectors of the earth and more peoples can live-in high-quality conditions. I believe that, the second idea, not only do not increase the value of researches but also, increases parallel scientific works around the world that means wasting human resources and money. Although some technologies should be paid because it takes several years to become mature, there is no need to buy the academic articles of that because it can be so expensive that covers all research costs. Moreover, state-of-art technologies need equipment to build and this cannot be achieved by all countries, so this is not important to sell their information. Thus, reaching a technology has prerequisites which in not affordable for almost most of the scientists and selling information makes no change in that. To summarize, although selling the researches is a way of valuing an intangible property but, it cannot help neither side and just stops sustainable development. It is better that everyone can access sources and can share new papers to make a better world to live for our futures.
In the era of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
and data there are great sources that all human beings can have access to them and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe it is necessary to be open source that everyone can achieve
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
what he wants,
however
, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
. Although I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
first
opinion, in this essay both views will
be discussed
.

At the
first
, by the technological and communication developments, most of the scientific, business and academic papers which
are published
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
, is better to be free to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
third world states. For an instance, the new business models can affect the export means or novel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
of medicine can save several
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
by helping of a cutting-edge article released
A determiner is probably missing here: "from the USA".
from USA
or Europe.
Therefore
, sustainable development can achieve in all sectors of the earth and more peoples can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
-in high-quality conditions.

I believe that, the second
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
do not increase the value of researches
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
, increases parallel scientific works around the world that means wasting human resources and money. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
should
be paid
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it takes several years to become mature, there is no need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
the academic articles of that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
expensive that covers all research costs.
Moreover
, state-of-art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
need equipment to build and this cannot
be achieved
by all countries,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
this is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to sell their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
.
Thus
, reaching a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has prerequisites which in not affordable for almost most of the scientists and selling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in that.

To summarize
, although selling the researches is a way of valuing an intangible property
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, it cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
neither side and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stops
sustainable development. It is better that everyone can access sources and can share new papers to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a better world to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
for our futures.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay some people believe that luck, plays an important rule in being successful, while others don't believe in luck, whats is your position, support your argument with examples and details. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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