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Students perform better in school when they are rewarded rather than punished. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Students perform better in school when they are rewarded rather than punished. 59pp
Just a society continues to evolve, opinion regarding education methods also have changed over time. Significant number of people believe that instead of punishing students they must be rewarded to improve their performance in school, and I agree with their perception. The rationale behind this viewpoint will be explicated in this essay, along with certain evidence. The most potential reason is children's get motivated towards study due to pricing. In other words, giving gifts to students for performing well make them attracted towards learning, also it prevents nervousness and demotivation. This apparent from recent article published in a well reputed newspaper, The Tribune, which depicted that Indian government providing medals, certificates and scholarships on the basis of student grades. Therefore, students who are not giving importance to education, may also put effort in studies due to such reward. Another point is to consider that students committing suicide in afraid of punishment. This is to say that increase in burden of learning and not having enough capability to study leads to certain incidents, though the changes in methods of punishment will be lifesaving. This is further proved by the experts in India today magazine asserted that the survey conveyed amongst the schools of India proved that changes in learning approaches had lead to improve in education society. In conclusion, strategy of rewarding instead of penalty made increase in number of achievements from students in school. Also Indian government making much more efforts in education by bringing new ways of learning.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Just
a society continues to evolve, opinion regarding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
methods
also
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
over time. Significant number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
instead
of punishing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be rewarded
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their performance in school, and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with their perception. The rationale behind this viewpoint will
be explicated
in this essay, along with certain evidence.

The most potential reason is children's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
motivated towards study due to pricing.
In other words
, giving gifts to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
for performing well
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them attracted towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
,
also
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevents
nervousness and
Possible spelling mistake found.
demotivation
. This apparent from recent article published in a well reputed newspaper, The Tribune, which depicted that Indian
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
providing medals, certificates and scholarships on the basis of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
grades.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who are not giving importance to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, may
also
put effort in studies due to such reward.

Another point is to consider that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
committing suicide in afraid of punishment. This is to say that increase in burden of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
and not having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
capability to study leads to certain incidents, though the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in methods of punishment will be lifesaving. This is
further
proved by the experts in India
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
magazine asserted that the survey conveyed amongst the schools of India proved that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
approaches had lead to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
society.

In conclusion
, strategy of rewarding
instead
of penalty made increase in number of achievements from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in school.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
Indian
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
making much more efforts in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
by bringing new ways of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
.
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IELTS essay Students perform better in school when they are rewarded rather than punished.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
249 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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