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Students often want to get better grades in their classes. Explain what students should do in order to improve their performance in a class v.1

Students often want to get better grades in their classes. Explain what students should do in order to improve their performance in a class v. 1
Many people believe that the measurement of people’s health is considered to be decreased in the future than nowadays. While I agree that people can gain benefits from the development of the medical industry, I also disagree that many people depend too much on this. The following paragraphs discuss both desirable and undesirable effects for these. To begin with, there are a variety of reasons why people can have benefited from the medical branch. First of all, the pharmaceutical industry is growing day by day as it has many modern technologies that support doctors and experimentalists to find the best cure. For example, new technologies such as X-ray machines help doctors to look inside the victims' bodies to see internal injuries and new medicines such as vaccines for HIV or Corona Virus. Besides, doctors nowadays are highly skilled and have rich knowledge from their careers. This is because they have to diagnose the diseases and do operations if necessary, and also they must be a good example for interns. On the other hand, although the medicinal industry is developing, some people still do not realize how significant their health is. Firstly, several people have a low awareness and consciousness of their health. For instance, I have a roommate and he hardly has breakfast and lunch, and he never takes any physical exercise. Instead of that, he always plays games and sleeps all day, he also doesn’t have a healthy diet for himself as his favorite food is noodles and he rarely eats vegetables. Secondly, numerous people are getting lazier because technology is so convenient today. A couple of reasons for this is most adults only focus on making money and some people will have extra time at night, and when they get home, they just want to sleep or relax with TV or computers. In conclusion, I disagree that the standard of people’s physical condition is low as the pharmaceutical industry is growing. However, I also agree that to gain full benefits from the medical industry, people also have to change their minds about protecting their health.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that the measurement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
is considered
to
be decreased
in the future than nowadays. While I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can gain benefits from the development of the medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
, I
also
disagree that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
depend too much on this. The following paragraphs discuss both desirable and undesirable effects for these.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are a variety of reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can have benefited from the medical branch.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the pharmaceutical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
is growing day by day as it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
modern technologies that support doctors and experimentalists to find the best cure.
For example
, new technologies such as X-ray machines
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
doctors to look inside the victims' bodies to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
internal injuries and new medicines such as vaccines for HIV or
The term "Coronavirus" (= disease) is spelled as one word.
Corona Virus
.
Besides
, doctors nowadays are
highly
skilled and have rich knowledge from their careers. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
diagnose the diseases and do operations if necessary, and
also
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example for interns.

On the other hand
, although the medicinal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
is developing,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
still
do not realize how significant their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
is.
Firstly
, several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a low awareness and consciousness of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
For instance
, I have a
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
roommate and
he hardly has breakfast and lunch, and he never takes any physical exercise.
Instead
of that, he always plays games and sleeps all day, he
also
doesn’t have a healthy diet for himself as his favorite food is
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
noodles and
he rarely eats vegetables.
Secondly
, numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are getting lazier
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
technology is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
convenient
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
. A couple of reasons for this is most adults
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
focus on making money and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will have extra time at night, and when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
home, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
want to sleep or relax with TV or computers.

In conclusion
, I disagree that the standard of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
physical condition is low as the pharmaceutical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
is growing.
However
, I
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that to gain full benefits from the medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their minds about protecting their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
18Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Students often want to get better grades in their classes. Explain what students should do in order to improve their performance in a class v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
347 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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