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Students at universities often have a choice of places to live in. They may choose to live in university dormitories, they may choose to live in apartments in the community. Compare the advantages of living in university housing with advantages of living in v.2

Students at universities often have a choice of places to live in. They may choose to live in university dormitories, they may choose to live in apartments in the community. Compare the advantages of living in university housing with advantages of living in v. 2
In general, people think that students’ living in apartments in the community is more beneficial. They support that they are able to enjoy their own life without interfere from others. However, the notion does not reflect the stance that I hold and should not be thought about in a different light. I believe that living in university dormitories are more advantageous for people to bond strong connection with people in the same dormitories and relieve stress from universities. First of all, living in the university dormitories allows people to bond strong connection with others. To be specific, as modern society is becoming competitive, people tend to compete with others in order to be succeed, which makes them to not enjoy a better quality of life. However, people staying in dormitories are able to make their strong bond with others and it would be no competition among them. While people in community are selfish in competition, they are likely to support each other whatever they face with problems, which makes people’s life happily. For example, my brother lived in his university dormitories. Every time he visited to house, he looked like happy. This was because he did not care about competition with others, like heaven, which makes him be happier and enjoy his better quality of life. Thus, this shows that it is more beneficial for students to live in university dormitories because they are able to bond strong connection with friends, which as a result make their life happier. Moreover, it is more advantageous for students to live in university dormitories because they are able to relive their cumulative stress from outside. In other word, people living in the community tend to stay alone without the help from others. This is because people who are in the community have no shared interests with others in apartments, which allows people be selfish. Their life would be boring. However, people in university dormitories have high probability about shared interests among their group, which makes people to relieve stress and maintain health. For instance, I was envy my brother every time when I saw him. This was because I was lonely and had no opportunity to communicate and discuss with others what I want to. However, my brother had a lot of opportunities to meet with others in dormitories and enjoyed party opened every month, which made him to be healthy and control his stress from outside. As a result, it is legitimate to say that it is more advantageous for students to live in university dormitories in that they are easier to stay health and maintain stress. To sum up, I believe that the advantageous way to chose of places to live is to live in university dormitories because in the dormitories, people are likely to bond strong connections with others and relieve stress what they have cumulated. Consequently, the importance of my views cannot be underestimated in that it can kill two birds with one stone for the reasons I have mentioned above. All in all, this trend will probably continue for the next generations.
In general
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
in apartments in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
is more beneficial. They support that they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
able
to enjoy their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
without interfere from others.
However
, the notion does not reflect the stance that I hold and should not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
about in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
light. I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dormitories
are more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantageous
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to bond
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
strong
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
connection
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dormitories
and relieve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
from universities.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dormitories
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to bond
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
strong
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
connection
with others. To be specific, as modern society is becoming competitive,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to compete with others in order to be
Consider using a past participle here: "succeeded".
succeed
, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
them to not enjoy a better quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
staying in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dormitories
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
able
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
strong
bond with others and it would be no competition among them. While
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
are selfish in competition, they are likely to support each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
whatever they face with problems, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
happily
.
For example
, my brother
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
in his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dormitories
. Every time he visited to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
, he looked like happy. This was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he did not care about competition with others, like heaven, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
him be happier and enjoy his better quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Thus
, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that it is more beneficial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dormitories
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
able
to bond
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
strong
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
connection
with friends, which
as a result
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
happier.

Moreover
, it is more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantageous
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dormitories
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
able
to relive their cumulative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
from outside. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
word,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
tend to stay alone without the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
from others. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
have no shared interests with others in apartments, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
be selfish. Their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
would be boring.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dormitories
have high probability about shared interests among their group, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to relieve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
and maintain health.
For instance
, I was envy my brother every time when I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
him. This was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I was lonely and had no opportunity to communicate and discuss with others what I want to.
However
, my brother had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
opportunities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
with others in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dormitories
and enjoyed party opened every month, which made him to be healthy and control his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
from outside.
As a result
, it is legitimate to say that it is more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantageous
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dormitories
in that they are easier to stay health and maintain
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.

To sum up, I believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantageous
way to chose of places to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
is to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dormitories
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dormitories
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are likely to bond
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
strong
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
connections
with others and relieve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
what they have cumulated.
Consequently
, the importance of my views cannot
be underestimated
in that it can kill two birds with one stone for the reasons I have mentioned above. All in all, this trend will
probably
continue for the
next
generations.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
87Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Students at universities often have a choice of places to live in. They may choose to live in university dormitories, they may choose to live in apartments in the community. Compare the advantages of living in university housing with advantages of living in v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
514 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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