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Sport today is turning into a business and there are companies involved that sponsor sports with ever growing prize money for the sportsman as a part of their advertising. Some people agree to this because it has a good effect on the world of sports, others however disagree. v.1

Sport today is turning into a business and there are companies involved that sponsor sports with ever growing prize money for the sportsman as a part of their advertising. Some people agree to this because it has a good effect on the world of sports, others however disagree. v. 1
Today it is quite common to see sporting events, teams and even individual players wearing logos on uniforms and appear in television advertising, which means commercialization has become a part of the modern game, with both positive and negative outcomes. Advocates of sports sponsorship believe that commercialization enables players financially secured and maintains professional sports to be of high quality and great entertainment. If a major company sponsors an event, it is much more likely to get prime time television coverage, which means bringing in greater advertising revenues and exposing more people to the sport. This will bring in more fans, improve the profitability of local sports clubs, which in turn helps the local economy and revives community spirit when the team is performing well. However, others claim that this has had some negative impacts as  commercialization has changed the attitude of the players and jeopardised the true spirit of the game. The players no more play for the thrill and love of the game but have been lured and entangled into the vicious web of match fixing. They have become commodities to be traded and sold for extravagant sums of money and even clubs are being sold to the highest bidders. This has hampered and defamed the spirit of the game. In my opinion, though there are scandals about players using performance-enhancing drugs, which should be discouraged, these situations are under control. And it is not necessarily wrong for companies to sponsor sports with extraordinary prize money, which not only helps to promote players’ skills and ensure their livelihood but also creates high-quality sports events that generate economic growth as well as encourage people to get more exercise to keep healthy.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
it is quite common to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
sporting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
, teams and even individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
wearing logos on uniforms and appear in television advertising, which means commercialization has become a part of the modern game, with both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
outcomes.

Advocates of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
sponsorship believe that commercialization enables
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
financially
secured and maintains professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
to be of high quality and great entertainment. If a major
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
sponsors an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
, it is much more likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
It seems that a hyphen is missing.
prime time
television coverage, which means bringing in greater advertising revenues and exposing more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
. This will bring in more fans,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the profitability of local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
clubs, which in turn
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the local economy and revives community spirit when the team is performing well.

However
, others claim that this has had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts as
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
commercialization has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
the attitude of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
and
Possible spelling mistake. 'jeopardised' is British English.
jeopardised
the true spirit of the game. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
no more play for the thrill and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
of the game
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
have
been lured
and entangled into the vicious web of match fixing. They have become commodities to
be traded
and sold for extravagant sums of money and even clubs are
being sold
to the highest bidders. This has hampered and defamed the spirit of the game.

In my opinion, though there are scandals about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
using performance-enhancing drugs, which should
be discouraged
, these situations are under control. And it is not
necessarily
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
to sponsor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
with extraordinary prize money, which not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to promote
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players’
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and ensure their livelihood
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
creates high-quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
that generate economic growth
as well
as encourage
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more exercise to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
healthy.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Sport today is turning into a business and there are companies involved that sponsor sports with ever growing prize money for the sportsman as a part of their advertising. Some people agree to this because it has a good effect on the world of sports, others however disagree. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
282 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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