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Sport is becoming a business. More and more companies are getting involved in sporting events. Do you think that it is a positive or negative development? v.1

Sport is becoming a business. More and more companies are getting involved in sporting events. Do you think that it is a positive or negative development? v. 1
It is true that corporations have the tendency to play a role in different aspects of competitive sports nowadays. While I understand that this bilateral relation may cause some negative impacts, I would argue that it is a step long sought by sports advocates to help sporting events take off. The unfavourable side of this movement can be attributed to two main factors, match-fixing and the use of illegal substance. Many companies which are funding sporting events, are simultaneously sponsoring one or multiple teams of their own. Hence, many people are apprehensive about the idea that the result of a tournament could be predetermined by how much money big companies are pouring in to buy their teams’ victories. Furthermore, substantial monetary benefits may entice athletes into using performance-enhancing drugs in sports tournaments. This can have detrimental effects on sporting events, as it jeopardizes the health of its users, while ruining sportsmanship and the outputs of all the matches that it is involved in. On the flip side, funding from corporate can facilitate sports development in many ways. Firstly, it helps sporting organizations have the money needed to organize holistically better events. This money can be used for many activities, namely the production and marketing of the campaign, to serve the purpose of meeting the public’s expectations by bringing out a fully operational and aesthetically pleasing tournament. Secondly, sportsmen, at least those who play popular ones, are able to secure themselves a stable or even lucrative income. As a result, devoted athletes can rid themselves of financial worries and be extra focused on their games to give more eye-pleasing performances for the followers of the sport. In conclusion, while the connection between sporting events and commercial companies can have several bad effects, I am convinced that the benefits far outweigh the drawbacks.
It is true that corporations have the tendency to play a role in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
aspects of competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
nowadays. While I understand that this bilateral relation may cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts, I would argue that it is a step long sought by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
advocates to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
The verb 'help' is used with an infinitive: "to sport" or "sport".
sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
take off.

The
Possible spelling mistake. 'unfavourable' is British English.
unfavourable
side of this movement can
be attributed
to two main factors, match-fixing and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of illegal substance.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
which are funding sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
, are
simultaneously
sponsoring one or multiple teams of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.
Hence
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are apprehensive about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that the result of a tournament could
be predetermined
by how much money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are pouring in to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
their teams’ victories.
Furthermore
, substantial monetary benefits may entice athletes into using performance-enhancing drugs in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
tournaments. This can have detrimental effects on sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
, as it jeopardizes the health of its users, while ruining sportsmanship and the outputs of all the matches that it
is involved
in.

On the flip side, funding from corporate can facilitate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
development in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways.
Firstly
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
The verb 'helps' is used with an infinitive: "to sport" or "sport".
sporting
organizations have the money needed to organize
holistically
better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
. This money can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
activities,
namely
the production and marketing of the campaign, to serve the purpose of meeting the public’s expectations by bringing out a
fully
operational and
aesthetically
pleasing tournament.
Secondly
, sportsmen, at least those who play popular ones, are able to secure themselves a stable or even lucrative income.
As a result
, devoted athletes can
This form is ambiguous and can be used as past tense. Confirm that you are using the intended base form of the main verb after 'to do' as an auxiliary verb..
rid
themselves of financial worries and be extra focused on their games to give more eye-pleasing performances for the followers of the sport.

In conclusion
, while the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
connection between
sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
and commercial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
can have several
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
effects, I
am convinced
that the benefits far outweigh the drawbacks.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Sport is becoming a business. More and more companies are getting involved in sporting events. Do you think that it is a positive or negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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