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Sometimes celebrities get invited to international aid events. Do you think such events deviate from their main purpose by inviting famous people?

Sometimes celebrities get invited to international aid events. Do you think such events deviate from their main purpose by inviting famous people? NlWLg
Many believe that existence of renowned personalities in a transnational functions could lead to distraction. I agree with this notion because, inviting popular stars in functions especially related to charity can cause distraction from the actual purpose of the function. Moreover, a number of superstars uses these type of events for their own personal promotion. To commence with, these days various types of occasions especially related to charity work or an inauguration of hospital for needy ones and so on, are being held transnationally as well as nationally and in such type of events popular and famous celebrities invited to promote and spread awareness among the individuals of the respected nation, on the contrary, this is not happen because in reality it is vice versa happens. For example, in 2018 a famous superstar who was actually a musician was called in an inauguration of hospital which was linked to red cross society, but, when he arrived there, the whole event changes into music concert and instead of covering the news for hospital, news reporters those were present at that time started covering him and the whole purpose of the event transferred into a rubbish concert because due to his arrival all individuals who were present at that moment get distracted. To embark upon, numerous celebrities nowadays choose to go in charitable or another happenings in order to promote themselves or their upcoming projects. For instance, an article was published in The Tribune newspaper in which the editor of that article stated that, around 95% of superstars those are invited in any transnational or national happenings are only went their to gain publicity and to increase the number of there followers and only 6% of stars went in such events to promote the actual purpose of the function especially among their followers, so that they can also learn and do such good things in order to improve and develop society. To conclude, from my point view only sensible and celebrities those have knowledge regarding aid events should be invited rather than those who just go in such events to only promote themselves and plus to gain money as well as attention.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
believe that existence of renowned personalities in a transnational
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "function"?
functions
could lead to distraction. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this notion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, inviting popular stars in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
functions
especially
related to charity can cause distraction from the actual purpose of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
function
.
Moreover
, a number of superstars
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
these type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
personal promotion. To commence with, these days various types of occasions
especially
related to charity work or an inauguration of hospital for needy ones and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on, are
being held
Possible spelling mistake found.
transnationally
as well
as
nationally
and in such type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
popular and
Consider using "celebrities".
famous celebrities
invited to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
promote
and spread awareness among the individuals of the respected nation,
on the contrary
, this is not
Consider using a past participle here: "happened".
happen
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
in reality it is vice versa happens.
For example
, in 2018 a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
superstar who was actually a musician
was called
in an inauguration of hospital which
was linked
to red cross society,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, when he arrived there, the whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
into music concert and
instead
of covering the news for hospital, news reporters those were present at that time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
covering him and the whole purpose of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
transferred into a rubbish concert
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
due to his arrival all individuals who were present at that moment
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
distracted. To embark upon, numerous celebrities nowadays choose to go in charitable or another happenings in order to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
promote
themselves or their upcoming projects.
For instance
, an article
was published
in The Tribune newspaper in which the editor of that article stated that, around 95% of superstars those
are invited
in any transnational or national happenings are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
went their to gain publicity and to increase the number of
Did you mean "their"?
there
followers and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
6% of stars went in such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
promote
the actual purpose of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
function
especially
among their followers,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can
also
learn and do such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
things in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
and develop society.
To conclude
, from my point view
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
sensible and celebrities those have knowledge regarding aid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
should
be invited
rather
than those who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
go in such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
promote
themselves and plus to gain money
as well
as attention.
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IELTS essay Sometimes celebrities get invited to international aid events. Do you think such events deviate from their main purpose by inviting famous people?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
360 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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Lexical Resource: 5.5
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  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
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    Present relevant ideas
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