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Some young people choose to start work instead of continuing their studies at university. Why do they choose to work?

Some young people choose to start work instead of continuing their studies at university. Why do they choose to work? dop3o
For these days, some young people will start the employment before them studies at university. This might be caused by some reasons like financial problem and give themselves a rest before going to the university. First of all, financial problem could be a problem to who need to study abroad or fees are higher when compare to high school and university. When young people study abroad, they will from developing country to developed country for take a higher places or a great knowledge, and they will face financial problem when their money cost is lower than the country money cost which they want to study. Some students may want to study in local university, but the income from parents isn’t adequate, then they will need to work for money too. Second, some young people might think that they want to have a rest or relax time between graduated from high school and continuing at university. Hence, they will have a job to earn some money for play and relax and so on. For instance, some young people might want to relax and play but they don’t have any money, so they will go to have a work for earn money. In conclusion, the two reasons that some young people choose to start work instead of continuing their studied at university are financial problem and give themselves a rest before going to the university.
For these days,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
the employment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
them
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studies
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
. This might
be caused
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
and give themselves a rest
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
going to the university.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
could be a
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problem
to who need to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
abroad or fees are higher when compare to high school and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
abroad, they will from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing country
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed country
for take a higher places or a great knowledge, and they will face
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
when their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
cost is lower than the country
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
cost which they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
students may
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want
to
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study
in local
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university
,
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but
the income from parents isn’t adequate, then they will need to work for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
too.

Second,
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some
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young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
to have a rest or relax time between graduated from high school and continuing at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
.
Hence
, they will have a job to earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
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money
for play and relax and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
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young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
to relax and play
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they don’t have any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they will go to have a work for earn money.

In conclusion
, the two reasons that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
choose to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
work
instead
of continuing their studied at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
and give themselves a rest
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
going to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
.
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IELTS essay Some young people choose to start work instead of continuing their studies at university. Why do they choose to work?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
233 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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