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Some young people are leaving the countryside to live in cities and towns, leaving only old people in the countryside. What problems are caused bu this issue? What can be done to solve this situation? v.5

Some young people are leaving the countryside to live in cities and towns, leaving only old people in the countryside. What problems are caused bu this issue? What can be done to solve this situation? v. 5
Young people are always thirsty for experiences and opportunities. Thus, many people in the productive age are migrating to big cities in the search of better quality of life, leaving the elders to live in the countryside. This essay will examine the effects of this issue and suggest a way to resolve the issue. Firstly, if the people who move from the countryside do not have the skill to compete in the job, they will suffer and suck into poverty. Consequently, the poverty rate in cities will skyrocket. Many youth who move to big cities cannot afford the living cost there. Second, a housing problem in a big city is commonly occurred due to the urbanization. For instance, in Jakarta, there are plenty of migrated people who live in improper places. They live in slum areas because there is no enough space to accommodate them. Nevertheless, the urbanization issue can be tackled by providing more job opportunities in the countryside. By opening industrial and business areas, job availability and the economy will flourish. If there are enough careers to support the economy, there will be fewer young people who move to towns. One of the best practice is Japan, in that country, industrial areas are distributed to small cities to ensure the job availability there. To conclude, poverty and housing problems will occur in big cities if the migration rate is growing. However, these issues can be resolved by establishing industrial and business districts in the countryside to generate job opportunities and provide better economic expectancy. Therefore, youth will be convinced that they can get prosperous lives even if they stay in the countryside.
Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are always thirsty for experiences and opportunities.
Thus
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the productive age are migrating to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
in the search of better quality of life, leaving the elders to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countryside
. This essay will examine the effects of this issue and suggest a way to resolve the issue.

Firstly
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countryside
do not have the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
to compete in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, they will suffer and suck into poverty.
Consequently
, the poverty rate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
will skyrocket.
Possible agreement error. The noun youth seems to be countable; consider using: "Many youths".
Many youth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
cannot afford the living cost there. Second, a housing problem in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
big
city is
commonly
occurred due to the urbanization.
For instance
, in Jakarta, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of migrated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in improper places. They
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in slum areas
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there is no
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
space to accommodate them.

Nevertheless
, the urbanization issue can
be tackled
by providing more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
opportunities in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countryside
. By opening industrial and business areas,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
availability and the economy will flourish. If there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
careers to support the economy, there will be fewer young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
to towns. One of the best
Please check whether a plural form of 'practice' should be used.
practice
is Japan, in that country, industrial areas
are distributed
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
to ensure the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
availability there.

To conclude
, poverty and housing problems will occur in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
if the migration rate is growing.
However
, these issues can
be resolved
by establishing industrial and business districts in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countryside
to generate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
opportunities and provide better economic expectancy.
Therefore
, youth will
be convinced
that they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
prosperous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
even if they stay in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countryside
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
32Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay Some young people are leaving the countryside to live in cities and towns, leaving only old people in the countryside. What problems are caused bu this issue? What can be done to solve this situation? v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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