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Some Think That The Government Should Allow Women To Join The Armed Forces

Some Think That The Government Should Allow Women To Join The Armed Forces kej0R
Women have been playing a vital role in civilization and development of the country. Women are working in every field and they have proved that they can do different tasks as well as men. Therefore, some people think that women should be allowed to work in different fields in the armed forces such as navy and air force. To commence with, women have the ability to work in every field of life. Those days are gone when women were considered to be weak member of society. Now women are working in all kinds of sectors such as blue and white collar jobs, sports, aviation and even in police departments. By working in police departments they have proven that they can take riskier types of jobs and can perform their task brilliantly. Hence, allowing females to work in defence sector can improve the sense of equality and unity among both genders and can improve the working environment. Therefore, many people emphasis that they should be allowed to work in the army. In addition, giving opportunities to female can uplift their self-esteem and respect in the society. On the other hand, many people have conflicting views. Women are generally less stronger than men and are more sensitive therefore, working in the army department will not be a piece of cake for them. Furthermore, women have to give births to children and to nurture them. For that they need maternity leaves which cannot be possible during the days of war. Also, jobs in the army requires making brave decisions such as taking someone’s life which is not possible for women because they have emotional nature. Women can join the supportive and transportation department of the country if they want to serve for the country and protect their nation. These jobs are as essential as fighting in the battleground. To recapitulate, I believe that women and men are equal but they should perform tasks that suits their nature. At the same time, women should be given chance to prove themselves and show their worth.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
have been playing a vital role in civilization and development of the country.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in every
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
field and
they have proved that they can do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
tasks
as well
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
fields in the armed forces such as navy and air force.

To commence with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
have the ability to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in every field of life. Those days
are gone
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
were considered
to be weak member of society.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in all kinds of sectors such as blue and white collar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, sports, aviation and even in police
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
departments
. By
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in police
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
departments
they have proven that they can take riskier types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
and can perform their task
brilliantly
.
Hence
, allowing females to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
sector can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the sense of equality and unity among both genders and can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
environment.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
emphasis that they should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in the army.
In addition
, giving opportunities to female can uplift their self-esteem and respect in the society.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have conflicting views.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
are
generally
Non-standard use of the comparative or superlative. Did you mean "less strong"?
less stronger
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and are more sensitive
therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in the army
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
department
will not be a piece of cake for them.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
give births to children and to nurture them. For that they need maternity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leaves
which cannot be possible during the days of war.
Also
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
in the army requires making brave decisions such as taking someone’s life which is not possible for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have emotional nature.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
the supportive and transportation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
department
of the country if they want to serve for the country and protect their nation. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
are as essential as fighting in the battleground.

To recapitulate, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
are equal
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they should perform tasks that suits their nature. At the same time,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
chance to prove themselves and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their worth.
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IELTS essay Some Think That The Government Should Allow Women To Join The Armed Forces

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
340 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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