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Some students work while studying. This often results in lacking time for education and constantly feeling under pressure. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest? v.14

Some students work while studying. This often results in lacking time for education and constantly feeling under pressure. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest? v. 14
In the present world individuals are grade according to their level of qualification. However, it is not easy for everyone, as some pupils have to work in their student life to support theirself and their families. As a result, they are continuously under stress, as well as have less time for studies. There are various causes which compels students to work. However, financial issues and self dependency of pupils are on the top. First of all, as money is not uniformly distributed in the world, so some people are poor while other are rich. Although, students from high class families can easily carry on their studies. While, on the other hand, it is difficult for poor students to continue their education. Consequently, students from lower class are forced to work to support their education cost along-with their families expenses. In addition to this, some students want to be self dependent. Therefore, they do not like to be a burden on their parents. Thus, they join jobs for fees and expenses. As, these are valid problems, so they need to be addressed, Both governmental and institutional efforts are required to over come these issues. Firstly, Government should accept its responsibility and must launch such programs that encourages poor pupils as well as their families. For example, starting scholarship projects, student loans, even initiating business loans for parents will be encouraging. Nevertheless, institution can also support their needy students by grant of scholarship and with concession in fees. Furthermore, they can provide opportunities to pupils for part time, easy and well paid jobs. In a nutshell, studies of many students are effected by their jobs. As, they can not give proper time and concentration to the coarse. Thus, Government and colleges administration collective step is necessary to solve them.
In the present world individuals are grade according to their level of qualification.
However
, it is not easy for everyone, as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupils
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
life to support
Possible spelling mistake found.
theirself
and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
.
As a result
, they are
continuously
under
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
,
as well
as have less time for studies.

There are various causes which compels
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to work.
However
, financial issues and self dependency of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupils
are on the top.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, as money is not
uniformly
distributed in the world,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are poor while other are rich.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
from high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
can
easily
carry on their studies. While,
on the other hand
, it is difficult for poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to continue their education.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
from lower
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
are forced
to work to support their education cost along-with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
expenses.
In addition
to this,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
want to be self dependent.
Therefore
, they do not like to be a burden on their parents.
Thus
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
jobs for fees and expenses.

As, these are valid problems,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they need to
be addressed
, Both governmental and institutional efforts
are required
to over
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
these issues.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
should accept its responsibility and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
launch such programs that encourages poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupils
as well
as their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
.
For example
, starting scholarship projects,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
loans, even initiating business loans for parents will be encouraging.
Nevertheless
, institution can
also
support their needy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
by grant of scholarship and with concession in fees.
Furthermore
, they can provide opportunities to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupils
for
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
part time
, easy and well paid jobs.

In a nutshell, studies of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are effected
by their jobs. As, they can not give proper time and concentration to the coarse.
Thus
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
and colleges administration collective step is necessary to solve them.
18Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Some students work while studying. This often results in lacking time for education and constantly feeling under pressure. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest? v. 14

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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