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Some students tend to play computer games rather than do sports. Why is this? What can be done to tackle the problems?

Some students tend to play computer games rather than do sports. Why is this? What can be done to tackle the problems? 5mKP
Sports play a quintessential role in human lives for being salubrious. Nowadays, many pupils prefer to play online computer games, in lieu of take part in real life sports, due to multiple reasons. However, these issues can be addressed by encouraging the students to involve themselves in games, while, letting them know about the significant of sports. To begin with, numerous scholars play video games either on cell phone or computer. As their both parents want to do job for earning to live lavish life and they have not enough time to spend with their children and therefore, they allow the teenagers to play online games and not go out and play any outdoor sports. Furthermore, the games are designed in such a way that it enables the player to visualize of being a soldier or gangster. For an instance, recent online game called PUBG where players are grouped in teams and they are armed with powerful guns and bombs so that they could fight against the other teams in order to conquer a quest. A recent statistics reveals that the children find this game more engaging because it helps them to feel the ambience of being in a war field. Apart from this, it is the primary responsibility of the family to motivate their blooming buds to go out from the house and take part in games such as football, cricket and volleyball. In this way, the individuals will excel themselves in society. Additionally, other plausible solution to this predicament is to launch an awareness campaign to educate children about the jeopardy of playing virtual games. which in turns affects their metabolism and also playing these games over a period time would affect them mentally as these games involves killing and other brutal activities. For instance, a similar initiative in Japan, where teenagers are more addicted playing online games had resulted in 56% of students indulge themselves playing sports such as Hockey and Tennis. To conclude, the increase in number of young people to play virtual games is because of the visual impact they undergo when playing, however this issue can be addressed by launching a public campaign and educating children about the negative impacts of playing it.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
a quintessential role in human
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
for being salubrious. Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
pupils prefer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, in lieu of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in real life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, due to multiple reasons.
However
, these issues can
be addressed
by encouraging the students to involve themselves in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, while, letting them know about
The phrase 'the significant of' is not correct. Use a noun, not an adjective, between 'the' and 'of'.
the significant of
sports.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, numerous scholars
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
either on cell phone or computer. As their both parents want to do job for earning to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
lavish
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
life and
they have not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time to spend with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and
therefore
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and not go out and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
any outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
Furthermore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are designed
in such a way that it enables the player to visualize of being a soldier or gangster. For an instance, recent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
game called PUBG where players
are grouped
in
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
teams and
they
are armed
with powerful guns and bombs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they could fight against the other teams in order to conquer a quest. A recent statistics reveals that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
find this game more engaging
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to feel the ambience of being in a war field.

Apart from this, it is the primary responsibility of the family to motivate their blooming buds to go out from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
such as football, cricket and volleyball. In this way, the individuals will excel themselves in society.
Additionally
, other plausible solution to this predicament is to launch an awareness campaign to educate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
about the jeopardy of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
virtual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
which
in turns affects their metabolism and
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
over a period time would affect them mentally as these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
involves killing and other brutal activities.
For instance
, a similar initiative in Japan, where
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are more addicted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
had resulted in 56% of students indulge themselves
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
such as Hockey and Tennis.

To conclude
, the increase in number of young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
virtual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the visual impact they undergo when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
,
however
this issue can
be addressed
by launching a public campaign and educating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
about the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
it.
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IELTS essay Some students tend to play computer games rather than do sports. Why is this? What can be done to tackle the problems?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
369 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
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