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Some students take notes very often during class. Other students do not take notes or rarely take notes. Which do you think is better? v.1

Some students take notes very often during class. Other students do not take notes or rarely take notes. Which do you think is better? v. 1
The science and technology have reached to a different level in terms of health care and medical facilities. Nowadays, people plan for their old age at an early age because they have faith in the science that they will have a long life to enjoy and live. To me, I believe that the person should live a healthy life rather than a long life full of illness, as discussed in this essay. To begin with, the after-retirement plan- people start making plans and saving money for their future trips and activities which they will be doing once they got retired. Once a person is retired, he has the freedom to do whatever he wanted to do, therefore he wants to do every activity he didn’t do at a young age because of time and money constraints. Secondly, living long life implies spending more time with family and this helps in making a good bond between family members. Also, by taking care of their grandchildren when their parent is at work, can do a little help to them. Conversely, if a person is unhealthy and living a long life by depending on the medical facilities, can create a burden for government as well as family. In many countries, for instance, Canada, medical help is being provided by the government, so if there are many older people who are living their life on medicines and healthcare facilities, can create a burden on government which in the long run will affect the economy of the country. Also, if there are more old people than young people, the country will face problem of manpower as old person does not have much strength to do physical work. For example, in Japan, there are many people who are above 80, who are not contributing to any benefits for the country, contrary the government has to provide pension and other facilities to them. To conclude, I will say, the advantages of long life can outweigh the disadvantages if a person is living a healthy, joyful and happy life.
The science and technology have reached to a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
level in terms of health care and medical facilities. Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
plan for their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age at an early age
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have faith in the science that they will have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
to enjoy and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
. To me, I believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
rather
than a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
full of illness, as discussed in this essay.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the after-retirement plan-
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
making plans and saving money for their future trips and activities which they will be doing once they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
retired. Once a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
is retired
, he has the freedom to do whatever he wanted to do,
therefore
he wants to do every activity he didn’t do at a young age
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of time and money constraints.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
implies spending more time with family and this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in making a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
bond between family members.
Also
, by taking care of their grandchildren when their parent is at work, can do a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to them.

Conversely
, if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
is unhealthy and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
by depending on the medical facilities, can create a burden for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
as well
as family. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
,
for instance
, Canada, medical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
is
being provided
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
if there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
on medicines and healthcare facilities, can create a burden on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
which in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
run will affect the economy of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
Also
, if there are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
than young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
will face problem of manpower as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
does not have much strength to do physical work.
For example
, in Japan, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are above 80, who are not contributing to any benefits for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, contrary the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
provide pension and other facilities to them.

To conclude
, I will say, the advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
can outweigh the disadvantages if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
a healthy, joyful and happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay Some students take notes very often during class. Other students do not take notes or rarely take notes. Which do you think is better? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
341 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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