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Some students choose to work or travel after finishing school before going into university. However, the experience of working is more useful preparation for adult life than traveling. Do you agree or disagree?

Some students choose to work or travel after finishing school before going into university. However, the experience of working is more useful preparation for adult life than traveling. kLPLR
Chosen working or traveling before going into university by some school leavers has become a common place in last years. While it is believed by some that working is more useful for adapting adult than traveling. I completely disagree with this for two main reasons. A deluge of merits can back this stance to take the break. The most preponderant is that students can alleviate their stress during the holiday period. For instance, students after studying for a long period, get a break to relax psychologically and physically. In addition to this, this would be the opportunity for them to travel outside the country, learn foreign culture and current market trends. So meanwhile they develop maturity and possess an enthusiasm for the university education. Hence it is apparent why students need a vacation before joining the university. The reasons for this trend may involve the recognition that a young adult who passes directly from school to university is rather restricted in terms of general knowledge and experience of the world. By contrast, those who have spent some time earning a living or travelling to other places have a broader view of life and better personal resources to draw on. They tend to be more independent, which is a very important factor in academic study and research, as well as giving them an advantage in terms of coping with the challenges of student life. In conclusion, students should have a rest, as a result, they can learn other language and they can sharing some knowledge with other people, who have enough experience in something, such as, business and IT.
Chosen working or traveling
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
going into university by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
school leavers
has become a common place in last years. While it
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that working is more useful for adapting adult than traveling. I completely disagree with this for two main reasons.

A deluge of merits can back this stance to take the break. The most preponderant is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can alleviate their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
during the holiday period.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
after studying for a long period,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a break to relax
psychologically
and
physically
.
In addition
to this, this would be the opportunity for them to travel outside the country, learn foreign culture and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
market trends.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
meanwhile they develop maturity and possess an enthusiasm for the university education.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
it is apparent why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
need a vacation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
joining the university.

The reasons for this trend may involve the recognition that a young adult who passes
directly
from school to university is
rather
restricted in terms of general knowledge and experience of the world. By contrast, those who have spent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time earning a living or travelling to other places have a broader view of life and better personal resources to draw on. They tend to be more independent, which is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor in academic study and research,
as well
as giving them an advantage in terms of coping with the challenges of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
life.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should have a rest,
as a result
, they can learn other
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
language and
they can
The verb 'can' requires the base form of the verb: "share"
sharing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
knowledge with other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, who have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
experience in something, such as, business and IT.
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IELTS essay Some students choose to work or travel after finishing school before going into university. However, the experience of working is more useful preparation for adult life than traveling.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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