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Some sports are extremely dangerous but many people still like them very much. Why do people take part in dangerous sports? Give some suggestions on how to deal with these dangers. v.9

Some sports are extremely dangerous but many people still like them very much. Why do people take part in dangerous sports? Give some suggestions on how to deal with these dangers. v. 9
Some sports have a high level of risk. However, individuals still enjoy these activities due to their high adrenaline level and their popularity. In my opinion, it is still possible to handle with these dangers by using proper equipment. Firstly, some people like to be at risk by their nature. They like to take part in activities, which they cause adrenaline in their bodies. They believe it is the most enjoyable thing to do in life. For example, my friend John is a Professional boxer. His nose is broken twice in competitions. Although he gets hurt badly, he believes he can not quit boxing due to high adrenaline level. This is one of the major reasons why people like to be a part of risky sports. Secondly, dangerous are quite popular in our societies. Since it has become common, some individuals like to be on the stage. For instance my cousin Graham is a rally racer. He mentions that his activity helps him get attentions, especially among opposite sex. Therefore he keeps on joining to risky exhibitions. In my opinion, these dangers can be controlled with appropriate tools. There are many products in order to protect people. For example in Ice Hockey, manufacturers are creating strong helmets against hard hits. They are testing these products under the laboratory conditions, moreover, they use extremely hard materials like fibre-plastic as a contributor. In conclusion, it is a fact that people are going to continue to attend dangerous sports events because of their desire to adrenaline and popularity. I believe self-protection can be provided by choosing correct equipment.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
sports have a high level of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
.
However
, individuals
still
enjoy these activities due to their high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adrenaline
level and their popularity. In my opinion, it is
still
possible to handle with these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
by using proper equipment.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
like to be at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
by their nature. They like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in activities, which they cause
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adrenaline
in their bodies. They believe it is the most enjoyable thing to do in life.
For example
, my friend John is a Professional boxer. His nose
is broken
twice in competitions. Although he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
hurt
badly
, he believes he can not quit boxing due to high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adrenaline
level. This is one of the major reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
like to be a part of risky sports.

Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
are quite popular in our societies. Since it has become common,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals like to be on the stage.
For instance
my cousin Graham is a rally racer. He mentions that his activity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
him
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
attentions,
especially
among opposite sex.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
on joining to risky exhibitions.

In my opinion, these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
can
be controlled
with appropriate tools. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
products in order to protect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
For example
in Ice Hockey, manufacturers are creating strong helmets against
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
hits. They are testing these products under the laboratory conditions,
moreover
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
extremely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
materials like
Possible spelling mistake found.
fibre-plastic
as a contributor.

In conclusion
, it is a fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are going to continue to attend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their desire to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adrenaline
and popularity. I believe self-protection can
be provided
by choosing correct equipment.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some sports are extremely dangerous but many people still like them very much. Why do people take part in dangerous sports? Give some suggestions on how to deal with these dangers. v. 9

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
265 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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