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some schools have restricted the use of mobile phones. Is this a positive development or a negative one?

some schools have restricted the use of mobile phones. Is this a positive development or a negative one? yJ5E
Technology plays a crucial and important role in student's life. While, too much usage of specific technological devices, such as a mobile phone, during the school time, can hinder the productivity of students and may develop some negative effects on their studies. In my view, phone usage during the school time should be strictly prohibited with some emergency exceptions. Too much extensive usage of a mobile phone can lead to a serious damage in the long run such as, eye strain, migraine and, reduce visibility at very young age. Usage of cellular devices during lectures would not only hamper the focus of his or her own, but tutor's too. Thus, phone usage should be allowed at some specific time and area, such as during the lunch time and in the canteen. For instance, if students have their mobile devices with them, they would constantly urge themselves to check on every alert they would get and they would not be able to concentrate on the topic. Moreover, restriction on mobile phones will also allow them to speak with other candidates in the class and help one another with projects. As a result, they would get better acquainted with each other and this will help them drastically in removing the social awkwardness between them. A clear example of this would be my own friend, who used to be shy and not too friendly with others, but because of his broken phone and he needed help for his project, he had to speak with other candidates. This helped him a lot overcoming his fear of speaking with other people. In conclusion, I strongly opine that phones should be allowed only to some extent on campus as this will help students to improve their focus level and remove social distancing between them and get to know each other better. Having this in action, it would certainly boost their productivity during their school time. It's a win game for all!
Technology plays a crucial and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in student's life. While, too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
usage
of specific technological devices, such as a mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
, during the school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, can hinder the productivity of students and may develop
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on their studies. In my view,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
usage
during the school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
should be
strictly
prohibited with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
emergency exceptions.

Too much extensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
usage
of a mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
can lead to
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "serious damage".
a serious damage
in the long run such as, eye strain, migraine and,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
visibility at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
young age.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Usage
of cellular devices during lectures would not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
hamper the focus of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
tutor's too.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
usage
should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and area, such as during the lunch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and in the canteen.
For instance
, if students have their mobile devices with them, they would
constantly
urge themselves to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
on every alert they would
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
get and
they would not be able to concentrate on the topic.

Moreover
, restriction on mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
will
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to speak with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
candidates in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
one another with projects.
As a result
, they would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
better acquainted with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
and this will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them
drastically
in removing the social awkwardness between them. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
example of this would be my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
friend, who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be shy and not too friendly with others,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of his broken
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
phone and
he needed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
for his project, he had to speak with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
candidates. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
him a lot overcoming his fear of speaking with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
opine that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent on campus as this will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
students to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their focus level and remove social distancing between them and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to know each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
better. Having this in action, it would
certainly
boost their productivity during their school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. It's a win game for all!

IELTS essay some schools have restricted the use of mobile phones. Is this a positive development or a negative one?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
325 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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