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Some say that music art and drama are as important as other school subjects especially at the primary level Do you agree or disagree v.2

Some say that music art and drama are as important as other school subjects especially at the primary level v. 2
Undoubtedly, a major portion of populace vocalize that art is essential part of scholastic activities and it should be introduced at the initial level of schooling. I agree with statement that art is imperative subject because it guarantees the holistic development of children which is necessary in prevailing epoch and paves the path of luminous career. Since the art is the expression of internal creativity of human in the form of dance, music, art and drama, thus it usually brushes up the hidden competencies. Seemingly, when pupils are exposed to art in their formative ages, then they develop their cognitive skills, enhance their concentration power and polish their innate skills. Also it is biased to overlook the fact documented by American Children Care Council that in American elementary schools the abstract thinking has grown up briskly among scholars owing to exposure of art in the tender age. Therefore, like mathematics and science, art has also widely recognized as an indispensable part of effective learning in salad age of pupils. To continue, even though other school subjects ensure great career opportunities, art is also rubbing its shoulders with them and confirming high employ ability along with lucrative compensation. Being as an important subject, it imparts learners a true knowledge and their subconscious mind is also in good state to grab all these coaching. Consequently, with consistent and persistent efforts soon they grow up as exceptionally talented artists which allure the countless opportunities in their lives. To exemplify, as per the survey conducted by The Times of India, in the gone calendar year, talent hunt shows on TV has really endowed the wonderful platforms to exhibit the traits of young children and these are quite conductive in making their career. In conclusion, although it quite arduous to achieve success in arts, the level of name and fame what artists can earn from arts cannot be expected from other subjects. Hence, in order to achieve overall growth and bright career, art is mandatory in the elementary school level.
Undoubtedly
, a major portion of populace vocalize that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is essential part of scholastic activities and it should
be introduced
at the initial level of schooling. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with statement that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is imperative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it guarantees the holistic development of children which is necessary in prevailing epoch and paves the path of luminous career.

Since the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is the expression of internal creativity of human in the form of dance, music,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and drama,
thus
it
usually
brushes up the hidden competencies.
Seemingly
, when pupils
are exposed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
in their formative ages, then they develop their cognitive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, enhance their concentration power and polish their innate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
it
is biased
to overlook the fact documented by American Children Care Council that in American elementary schools the abstract thinking has grown up
briskly
among scholars owing to exposure of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
in the tender age.
Therefore
, like mathematics and science,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
has
also
widely
recognized as an indispensable part of effective learning in salad age of

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
pupils
.

To continue,
even though
other school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
ensure great career opportunities,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is
also
rubbing its shoulders with them and confirming high employ ability along with lucrative compensation. Being as an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
, it imparts learners a true knowledge and their subconscious mind is
also
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
state to grab all these coaching.
Consequently
, with consistent and persistent efforts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
they grow up as
exceptionally
talented artists which allure the countless opportunities in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. To exemplify,

as per the survey conducted by The Times of India, in the gone calendar year, talent hunt
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
on TV has
really
endowed the wonderful platforms to exhibit the traits of young children and these are quite conductive in making their career.

In conclusion
, although
It seems that a verb is missing.
it
quite arduous to achieve success in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
, the level of name and fame what artists can earn from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
from other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
.
Hence
, in order to achieve
overall
growth and bright career,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is mandatory in the elementary school level.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some say that music art and drama are as important as other school subjects especially at the primary level v. 2

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
335 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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