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Some say that music art and drama are as important as other school subjects especially at the primary level Do you agree or disagree v.1

Some say that music art and drama are as important as other school subjects especially at the primary level v. 1
Admission to universities is challenging for students from all sorts of economic backgrounds. This essay completely agrees with the statement because accessibility into colleges totally depends on the score of university entrance exam, and colleges do not allocate certain seats for poor or rich students. To begin with, higher-level educational institutes choose their pupils according to their marks scored on screening exam, which makes rich and poor students difficult to access. This is to say that admission to those universities always requires a formal entrance exam where the students will be required to demonstrate their knowledge of previous studies to be able to get selected. This is because those institutions have limited numbers of seats for the brightest students interested but not for those who are financially weak or strong. For example, every year, thousands of students fail the entrance examination of Harvard University, and they are from all kinds of economic backgrounds. Apart from that, colleges do not allocate any percentage of their seats to the students with weak or strong financial status. This means that students have to pay the full amount of education fee to the institutions where they study because they follow the motto of treating every student equally, and they cannot discriminate any students as per their financial capability. For instance, a recent study conducted by the BBC News revealed that every year 500 students drop out of Cambridge University because they get financially broke or could not afford their tuition fee. Similarly, the same report unveiled the fact that many rich students got busted while trying to bribe examiners in that university. In conclusion, financially weak and strong both pupils find it challenging to access universities because those institutes select students as per their score, and colleges do not provide any quotas for poor or rich students.
Admission to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
is challenging for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
from all sorts of economic backgrounds. This essay completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
with the statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
accessibility into colleges
totally
depends on the score of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
entrance exam, and colleges do not allocate certain seats for poor or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
students.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, higher-level educational institutes choose their pupils according to their marks scored on screening exam, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
and poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
difficult to access. This is to say that admission to those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
always requires a formal entrance exam where the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will
be required
to demonstrate their knowledge of previous studies to be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
selected. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
those institutions have limited numbers of seats for the brightest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
interested
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not for those who are
financially
weak or strong.
For example
, every year, thousands of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
fail the entrance examination of Harvard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
University
, and they are from all kinds of economic backgrounds.

Apart from that, colleges do not allocate any percentage of their seats to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
with weak or strong financial status. This means that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay the full amount of education fee to the institutions where they study
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they follow the motto of treating every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
equally
, and they cannot discriminate any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
as per their financial capability.
For instance
, a recent study conducted by the BBC News revealed that every year 500
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
drop out of Cambridge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
University
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
financially
broke or could not afford their tuition fee.
Similarly
, the same report unveiled the fact that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
busted while trying to bribe examiners in that university.

In conclusion
,
financially
weak and strong both pupils find it challenging
Did you mean "accessing"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'challenge' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to access
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
those institutes select
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
as per their score, and colleges do not provide any quotas for poor or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some say that music art and drama are as important as other school subjects especially at the primary level v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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