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Some say that music, art and drama are as important as other school subjects, especially at the primary level. Do you agree or disagree? v.9

Some say that music, art and drama are as important as other school subjects, especially at the primary level. v. 9
SOME BELIEVE THAT CULINARI ACTIVITIES LIKE MUSIC, SPORT, ART ARE ALSO A SIGNIFICANT AS COMPARE TO AHORE SUBJECTS LIKE MATHEMETICS, SCIENCE, HISTORY. ALTHOUGH, TO EARN MONEY MASTER IN THE MAIN SUBJECTS ARE REQUIRED. HOWEVER, I DO CONCURE THAT EVERYTHING SHOULD BE CONCURE AS EQUAL WHATHER IT IS MAIN SUBJECTS OR OTHER ACTIVITIES, BECAUSE OF THE VARIOUS REASONS. THIS ESSAY WILL DISCUSS THOSE REASONS IN DETAILSWITH RELEVANT EXAMPLES. TO START WITH, THE PRIME REASINS IS THAT OTHER ACTIVITIES LIKE SPORT, ART, DRAMA REVEALS THE INNER STRENGTH OR INTEREST OF THE CHILDREN. TO ELABORATE, NOT EVERYONE ENJOY LEARNING MATHEMATICS AND OTHER MAIN SUBJECTS. SOME HAVE INTEREST IN CULINARY SKIIL. BY MAKING COMPULSARY AT SCHOOL, CHILDREN HAVE CHANCE TO TAKE PART AND REVEAL ABOUT THEIR PASSION BY TAKING PART IN THE COMPETITION AT SCHOOL. FOR AM INSTANCE, WHEN I WAS 10 YEAR OLD, MY SCHOOL HAD NOT SPORT ACTIVITIES AS MANDATORY. BUT STILL THEY CONDUCTING COMPETITIONS ONCE IN A YEAR OF SPORTS. OMCE O HJAD TAKEN PART AND I WON THE FIRST PRIZE UNTILL THEN I WAS TOTALLY UNAWARE OF THAT I CAN PLAY BADMINTON THAT GOOD. THUS IF SCHOOL MAKES IT COMPULSARY, MANU CHILDREN WILL BE BENEFITED. MOREOVER, THAT ALL ACTIVITY KEEP THEM FIT AND FINE AS HELATHY. TO EXPLAIN IT, WHEN THEY PLAY THIS ACTIVITY OR DO SOME DRAMA, THEIR MIND WILL GET POSITIVE VIBES AS THOSE ACTIVITIES INVOLVED PHYSICAL AS WELL AS MIND WORKNING. BY DOING THIS THEY WILL FEEL MORE HAPPY AND ENERGITIC DUE TO SOME EXCERCISES. FOR AN EXAMPLE, WHEN I GOT TO KNOW THAT I AM GOOD AT BADMINTON, I USED TO PLAY IT WITH PASSION AND ALSO DUE TO PHYSICAL AND MIND INVOLEMENT, IT HEPLED ME TO CONCENTRATE MORE ON MY STUDIES. NEVERTHELESS, SOME ALSO INTELIGENT AT CHORE SUBJECT STUDIES, AND DO NOT HAVE INTEREST IN OTHER ACTIVITY RATHER THAN MAIN SUBJECTS. BUT STILL IT IS BENEFICIAL FOR THEM AS IT MAKES THEM, HEALTHY. TO SUM UP, IT IS TRUE THAT IF SCHOOLS MAKES THE SPORT, ART, DRAMA, COMPULSARY AS OTHER SUBJECT WILL BE BENEFITED FOR BOTH CHILD AS WELL AS SCHOOL. BECAISE SCHOOL WILL GET THEIR BEST ACTOR OF SPORT PERSON ETC.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
SOME
BELIEVE THAT
Possible spelling mistake found.
CULINARI
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ACTIVITIES
LIKE MUSIC,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
SPORT
, ART ARE
ALSO
A SIGNIFICANT AS COMPARE TO
Possible spelling mistake found.
AHORE
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
SUBJECTS
LIKE
Possible spelling mistake found.
MATHEMETICS
, SCIENCE, HISTORY. ALTHOUGH, TO EARN MONEY MASTER IN THE
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
MAIN
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
SUBJECTS
ARE REQUIRED
.
HOWEVER
, I DO
Possible spelling mistake found.
CONCURE
THAT EVERYTHING SHOULD BE
Possible spelling mistake found.
CONCURE
AS EQUAL
Possible spelling mistake found.
WHATHER
IT IS
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
MAIN
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
SUBJECTS
OR
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
OTHER
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ACTIVITIES
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
BECAUSE
OF THE VARIOUS REASONS. THIS ESSAY WILL DISCUSS THOSE REASONS IN
Possible spelling mistake found.
DETAILSWITH
RELEVANT EXAMPLES.

TO
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
START
WITH, THE PRIME
Possible spelling mistake found.
REASINS
IS THAT
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
OTHER
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ACTIVITIES
LIKE
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
SPORT
, ART, DRAMA REVEALS THE INNER STRENGTH OR INTEREST OF THE CHILDREN. TO ELABORATE, NOT EVERYONE
The pronoun 'EVERYONE' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "enjoys", "enjoyed".
ENJOY
LEARNING MATHEMATICS AND
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
OTHER
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
MAIN
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
SUBJECTS
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
SOME
HAVE INTEREST IN CULINARY
Possible spelling mistake found.
SKIIL
. BY MAKING
Possible spelling mistake found.
COMPULSARY
AT
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
SCHOOL
, CHILDREN HAVE CHANCE TO
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
TAKE PART
AND REVEAL ABOUT THEIR PASSION BY TAKING PART IN THE COMPETITION AT
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
SCHOOL
. FOR AM INSTANCE, WHEN I WAS 10 YEAR
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
OLD
, MY
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
SCHOOL
HAD NOT
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
SPORT
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ACTIVITIES
AS MANDATORY.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
BUT
STILL
Did you mean "THEY're CONDUCTING", "THEY are CONDUCTING", or "THEY were CONDUCTING"?
THEY CONDUCTING
COMPETITIONS ONCE IN A YEAR OF
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
SPORTS
.
Possible spelling mistake found.
OMCE
O
Possible spelling mistake found.
HJAD
TAKEN PART AND I WON THE
FIRST
PRIZE
Possible spelling mistake found.
UNTILL
THEN I WAS
TOTALLY
UNAWARE OF THAT I CAN PLAY BADMINTON THAT
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
GOOD
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
THUS
IF
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
SCHOOL
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
MAKES
IT
Possible spelling mistake found.
COMPULSARY
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
MANU
CHILDREN WILL
BE BENEFITED
.

MOREOVER
, THAT ALL
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ACTIVITY
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
KEEP
THEM FIT AND FINE AS
Possible spelling mistake found.
HELATHY
. TO
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
EXPLAIN
IT, WHEN THEY PLAY THIS
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ACTIVITY
OR DO
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
SOME
DRAMA, THEIR MIND WILL
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
GET
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
POSITIVE
VIBES AS THOSE
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ACTIVITIES
INVOLVED PHYSICAL
AS WELL
AS MIND
Possible spelling mistake found.
WORKNING
. BY DOING THIS THEY WILL FEEL MORE HAPPY AND
Possible spelling mistake found.
ENERGITIC
DUE TO
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
SOME
Possible spelling mistake found.
EXCERCISES
. FOR AN EXAMPLE, WHEN I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
GOT
TO KNOW THAT I AM
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
GOOD
AT BADMINTON, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
USED
TO PLAY IT WITH PASSION AND
ALSO
DUE TO PHYSICAL AND MIND
Possible spelling mistake found.
INVOLEMENT
, IT
Possible spelling mistake found.
HEPLED
ME TO CONCENTRATE MORE ON MY STUDIES.
NEVERTHELESS
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
SOME
ALSO
Possible spelling mistake found.
INTELIGENT
AT CHORE
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
SUBJECT
STUDIES, AND DO NOT HAVE INTEREST IN
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
OTHER
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ACTIVITY
RATHER
THAN
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
MAIN
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
SUBJECTS
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
BUT
STILL
IT IS BENEFICIAL FOR THEM AS IT
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
MAKES
THEM, HEALTHY.

TO SUM UP, IT IS TRUE THAT IF
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
SCHOOLS
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
MAKES
THE
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
SPORT
, ART, DRAMA,
Possible spelling mistake found.
COMPULSARY
AS
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
OTHER
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
SUBJECT
WILL
BE BENEFITED
FOR BOTH CHILD
Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.
AS WELL AS
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
SCHOOL
.
Possible spelling mistake found.
BECAISE
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
SCHOOL
WILL
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
GET
THEIR BEST ACTOR OF
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
SPORT
PERSON ETC.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Learn everything you can, anytime you can, from anyone you can; there will always come a time when you will be grateful you did.
Sarah Caldwell

IELTS essay Some say that music, art and drama are as important as other school subjects, especially at the primary level. v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
357 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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