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Some say that music, art and drama are as important as other school subjects, especially at the primary level. Do you agree or disagree? v.10

Some say that music, art and drama are as important as other school subjects, especially at the primary level. v. 10
It is argued by some people that extra-curricular subjects comprising music, art and theatre are as crucial as the core subjects like mathematics and social science, more specifically at an elementary level of schooling. This essay completely agrees with the statement because these subjects can help in the overall development of young children and can work as a pathway to a successful career in these areas. During the fundamentals years of schooling, children require a curriculum full of subjects that cater to the need for the overall development of young masses. This is so because intellectual and creative potentials of young masses can only be developed if these disciplines are made a vital part of the schedule in all educational institutions. For example, a recent survey conducted on students from grade one to five by the W. H. O. revealed that those who were exposed to creative subjects Arts, singing or dancing turned out to be more balanced personalities, emotionally and cognitively after five years than the ones who were deprived of the knowledge of these subjects. Moreover, these subjects can be chosen to establish a successful career in the future. In other words, this concept can lead to a world not just dominated by mathematicians, scientists, journalists and doctors but also singers, dancers, actors, painters and musicians. This is why an increasing number of people are seen to be opting arts and theatre as their profession owing to the interest developed by them during their elementary years at school. For example, Adele, a world famous singer and lyricist had been exposed to performing arts as a subject in her school which has become one of the reasons behind her tremendous success. In conclusion, theatre, art and music have exactly the same value as science and maths since education with holistic perspective give birth to fully developed personalities and these programs can work as a career pathways for budding professionals.
It
is argued
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that extra-curricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
comprising music,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
are as crucial as the core
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like mathematics and social science, more
specifically
at an elementary level of schooling. This essay completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
with the statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in the
overall
development of young children and can work as a pathway to a successful career in these areas.

During the fundamentals years of schooling, children require a curriculum full of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
that cater to the need for the
overall
development of young masses. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
intellectual and creative potentials of young masses can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be developed
if these disciplines
are made
a vital part of the schedule in all educational institutions.
For example
, a recent survey conducted on students from grade one to five by the W. H. O. revealed that those who
were exposed
to creative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Arts
, singing or dancing turned out to be more balanced personalities,
emotionally
and
cognitively
after five years than the ones who
were deprived
of the knowledge of these subjects.

Moreover
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
can
be chosen
to establish a successful career in the future.
In other words
, this concept can lead to a world not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
dominated by mathematicians, scientists, journalists and doctors
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
singers, dancers, actors, painters and musicians. This is why an increasing number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
to be opting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
as their profession owing to the interest developed by them during their elementary years at school.
For example
, Adele, a world
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
singer and lyricist had
been exposed
to performing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
in her school which has become one of the reasons behind her tremendous success.

In conclusion
,
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and music have exactly the same value as science and
Possible spelling mistake. 'maths' is British English.
maths
since education with holistic perspective give birth to
fully
developed personalities and these programs can work as a career
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "pathway"?
pathways
for budding professionals.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Some say that music, art and drama are as important as other school subjects, especially at the primary level. v. 10

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
320 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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