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Some say that music, art and drama are as important as other school subjects, especially at primary level. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some say that music, art and drama are as important as other school subjects, especially at primary level. v. 1
Music and other curricular activities play an important role in person's life. Some people say that it is important to have sound, fine art and drama courses in early childhood learning like other school subjects. In the following paragraphs, I advocate my agreement with this statement. First of all, there are many benefits of learning music, craft and play at a very young age. It helps to improve the child overall performance, not only on an academic front, but also helps them in developing their intellectual skills. For Example, in India, on every Independence day and Republic Day, numerous child across the country get a chance to show their sound, Creative art skills, which they have learnt in parallel with other school courses and got the prizes from President of India. Secondly, it helps them in choosing the right career for them. Nowadays, due to lot of reality shows on singing, comedy and dancing, numerous kids across the country have chosen one of these as their future prospect, so it helps them in removing the confusion, which majority of kids are facing in deciding about their career. Lastly, music and drama helps you in expressing your feeling and emotions and removing the stage fair, which majority of people of adult age are facing, due to lack of these activities in their institute curriculum. Furthermore, these extra-curricular activities provide aid in living a healthy and stress free life. For example, in India, in a recent survey, it has been found that kids learning different forms of creativity in parallel with school subjects, perform better than the ones who are doing only study. To conclude, singing, creative art and play are as important as other institute curriculum and should be included at the beginner level, so that later, there would be no confusion in deciding the right path for them.
Music and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
curricular activities play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in person's life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
say that it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to have sound, fine art and drama courses in early childhood learning like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
school subjects. In the following paragraphs, I advocate my agreement with this statement.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits of learning music, craft and play at a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
young age. It
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the child
overall
performance, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
on an academic front,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
them in developing their intellectual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
For Example
, in India, on every
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Independence day
and Republic Day, numerous child across the country
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their sound, Creative art
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, which they have
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
in parallel with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
school courses and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
the prizes from President of India.

Secondly
, it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
them in choosing the right career for them. Nowadays, due to
It seems that an article is missing.
lot of
reality
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
on singing, comedy and dancing, numerous kids across the country have chosen one of these as their future prospect,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
them in removing the confusion, which majority of kids are facing in deciding about their career.

Lastly
, music and drama
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
you in expressing your feeling and emotions and removing the stage
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
, which majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of adult age are facing, due to lack of these activities in their institute curriculum.

Furthermore
, these extra-curricular activities provide aid in living a healthy and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
free life.
For example
, in India, in a recent survey, it has
been found
that kids learning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
forms of creativity in parallel with school subjects, perform better than the ones who are doing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
study.

To conclude
, singing, creative art and play are as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
institute curriculum and should
be included
at the beginner level,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that later, there would be no confusion in deciding the right path for them.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some say that music, art and drama are as important as other school subjects, especially at primary level. v. 1

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
308 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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