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Some say that it is better if the majority of employees worked from home instead of traveling to workplace every day. Do you think that the advantages of working at home outweigh the disadvantages? v.1

Some say that it is better if the majority of employees worked from home instead of traveling to workplace every day. Do you think that the advantages of working at home outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1
Many people assume that better to work at home than go to the office each day, and I believe that work at workplace gives more advantages such as more concentration and reduce stress, whereas teleworking provides a distraction from their family. On the one hand, some workers believe that they will get more focus when working at the office because that place is full of people who have the same purpose such as colleagues, managers and a boss. So, it is a suitable area to only think about their task and forget about their problems at home. Moreover, due to the associates there, they will help each other when there is something problem in their task, as a result, I will decrease the number of employee stress. As an example, in the United Kingdom, people tend to commute every day for working since at the office, they will obtain the concentration in their task and if they are facing a case, their friend will help to tackle that. Hence, the rate of workers stressful there is low. On the other hand, inhabitants who are working at home (teleworking) will get a serious drawback which they will get disruption from family, in particular, their children. As we know that kids always need attention from their parents, not only for primary activities like feeding, or bathe them but also they need parents to play together. The consequence, it will have an impact for occupation especially the duty and if this condition still continues they will lose a chance to earn money. To sum up, albeit others think better to work at home instead to go office each day, but in my personal opinion work at the workplace gives more focus and decline the workers' pressure.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
assume that better to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
at home than go to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
each day, and I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
at workplace gives more advantages such as more concentration and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
, whereas teleworking provides a distraction from their family.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
workers believe that they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more focus when working at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
that place is full of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who have the same purpose such as colleagues, managers and a boss.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it is a suitable area to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about their task and forget about their problems at home.
Moreover
, due to the associates there, they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
each other when there is something problem in their task,
as a result
, I will decrease the number of employee
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
. As an example, in the United Kingdom,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
tend to commute every day for working since at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
, they will obtain the concentration in their task and if they are facing a case, their friend will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to tackle that.
Hence
, the rate of workers stressful there is low.

On the other hand
, inhabitants who are working at home (teleworking) will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a serious drawback which they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
disruption from family,
in particular
, their children. As we know that kids always need attention from their parents, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for primary activities like feeding, or bathe them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
they need parents to play together. The consequence, it will have an impact for occupation
especially
the duty and if this condition
still
continues they will lose a chance to earn money.

To sum up, albeit others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
better to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
at home
instead
to go
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
each day,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in my personal opinion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
at the workplace gives more focus and decline the workers' pressure.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay Some say that it is better if the majority of employees worked from home instead of traveling to workplace every day. Do you think that the advantages of working at home outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
293 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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