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Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later and it is often argued that these are the best people to talk to teenagers about the dangers of committing a crime. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later and it is often argued that these are the best people to talk to teenagers about the dangers of committing a crime. v. 1
Imprisonment has successfully transformed many offenders and helped them turn over a new leaf to a brighter life. From my perspective, it is a wise choice to invite former prisoners to deliver valuable lessons and dispel any ideas of a crime life in adolescents’ minds. There are various reasons that make erstwhile perpetrators the best teachers about crime. First, they have first-hand experience of a criminal life, which enables them to share valid knowledge of the perils involved to their naive audiences. For example, former gang members can provide youngsters insights of the superficial and precarious relationships between so-called gang brothers which, to the normal eyes, seem so honorable through misleading movie depictions. Such insightful knowledge of the harsh realities would force the young listeners to think twice about their intention for this kind of existence. If simply being informative is not enough, former lawbreakers can still be incredibly convincing because they speak from experience and heartfelt emotions. Having survived the unforgiving conditions behind bars and been through all the pains of a failed life, they convey their messages in a much more powerful manner than those who have never suffered the same. Other educational alternatives, in my opinion, would prove to be less effective in practice. Police officers are well-qualified speakers but I doubt whether today’s young people would be happy to follow figures of authority, especially when there have been numerous viral online videos and photos of police corruption. Some argue for teachers to take the position but it seems an even less promising solution to me. Many students have grown very distant from their teachers and developed a tendency to do the exact opposite of teachers’ instructions. Finally, it makes sense to show juveniles educational films but they can by no means engage active youngsters like a powerful speaker standing in the room. In conclusion, the idea of promoting educational relationships between reformed wrongdoers and teenagers wins my complete approval. I believe they are perfect for this role thanks to their unique experience.
Imprisonment has
successfully
transformed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
offenders and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
them turn over a new leaf to a brighter
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. From my perspective, it is a wise choice to invite former prisoners to deliver valuable lessons and dispel any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
of a crime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
in adolescents’ minds.

There are various reasons that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
erstwhile perpetrators the best
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
about crime.
First
, they have
first
-hand
Possible agreement error -- use past participle here: "experienced".
experience
of a criminal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, which enables them to share valid knowledge of the perils involved to their naive audiences.
For example
, former gang members can provide youngsters insights of the superficial and precarious relationships between
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
-called gang brothers which, to the normal eyes, seem
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
honorable through misleading movie depictions. Such insightful knowledge of the harsh realities would force the young listeners to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
twice about their intention for this kind of existence. If
simply
being informative is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
, former lawbreakers can
still
be
incredibly
convincing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they speak from experience and heartfelt emotions. Having survived the unforgiving conditions behind bars and been through all the pains of a failed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, they convey their messages in a much more powerful manner than those who have never suffered the same.

Other educational alternatives, in my opinion, would prove to be less effective in practice. Police officers are well-qualified speakers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I doubt whether
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would be happy to follow figures of authority,
especially
when there have been numerous viral online videos and photos of police corruption.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
argue for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
to take the position
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it seems an even less promising solution to me.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
students have grown
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
distant from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
and developed a tendency to do the exact opposite of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers’
instructions.
Finally
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
sense to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
juveniles educational films
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they can by no means engage active youngsters like a powerful speaker standing in the room.

In conclusion
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of promoting educational relationships between reformed wrongdoers and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
wins my complete approval. I believe they are perfect for this role thanks to their unique experience.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later and it is often argued that these are the best people to talk to teenagers about the dangers of committing a crime. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
336 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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