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In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? v.11

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? v. 11
According to my observation, as the world is becoming high in technology, people are becoming lazier to work out and just keep eating delicious foods. This is the main reason why increasing average weight of people can lead in decreasing levels of health and fitness which may slow down the phase of metabolism. If people are happy, they keep eating different kinds of foods. Whether that person is in a relationship or single, as long as eating makes them happy they will keep doing it. The same goes when people are stressed, they will keep eating until they feel satisfied. It is commonly called stress-eating. The measures that could be taken to solve these problems is to have self-control on one selves. It seems impossible to others, but we need to take care of our body so that we're not prone to sickness-relating diseases. Exclude eating high-fatty acids food because this will harm our digestive system. Drink 8 glasses of water per day because 70% of our body needs water. Being hydrated is also good for people's health and beauty benefits. These simple measures can help a lot in case people don't want to exercise every day. Other measures are walking at least 1 to 2 hours a day. People's body needs some work out as well to prevent us from diabetes or stroke. The study says that people who don't exercise regularly are more prone in theses sickness. In conclusion, no matter how high technology in our world becomes, at the end of the week we need to take care of our health and fitness because no one's are going to do it for us except ourselves.
According to my observation, as the world is becoming high in technology,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are becoming lazier to work out and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
keep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
delicious foods. This is the main reason why increasing average weight of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can lead in decreasing levels of health and fitness which may slow down the phase of metabolism.

If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are happy, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
keep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kinds of foods. Whether that person is in a relationship or single, as long as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them happy they will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
keep
doing it. The same goes when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
, they will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
keep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
until they feel satisfied. It is
commonly
called
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
-eating.

The measures that could
be taken
to solve these problems is to have self-control on
Don't use the number 'one' with plural words. Did you mean "one self", "a self", or simply "selves"?
one selves
. It seems impossible to others,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to take care of our body
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that we're not prone to sickness-relating diseases. Exclude
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
high-fatty acids food
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this will harm our digestive system. Drink 8 glasses of water per day
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
70% of our body
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
water.
Being hydrated
is
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's health and beauty benefits. These simple measures can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
a lot in case
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
don't want to exercise every day.

Other measures are walking at least 1 to 2 hours a day.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
's body
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
work out
as well
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
us from diabetes or stroke. The study says that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who don't exercise
regularly
are more prone in
Did you mean "these"?
theses
sickness.

In conclusion
, no matter how high technology in our world becomes, at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the week we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to take care of our health and fitness
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
no one's are going to do it for us except ourselves.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? v. 11

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
278 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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