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Some people think young people should go to university to further their education while others think they should been encouraged to work as car mechanics or builders etc. to serve society. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.4

Some people think young people should go to university to further their education while others think they should been encouraged to work as car mechanics or builders etc. to serve society. v. 4
It is often thought that young adults should go to college in order to advance their education where as some think instead they should be encouraged to work in order to serve the society such as, a car mechanic or builders and so on. The following essay would be discussed on both views. On one hand, it is extremely beneficial for young individuals continue their education. Not only does it benefit the students, it also contributes to the improvement of the country. Individuals going to universities would have the opportunities to expand their learning capacity beyond the boundaries of the subject. Furthermore, they would be able to serve the country by providing better and newer ideas in order to make life convenient. For example, a few students in Sri Lanka, studying at the Informatics Institute of Technology, were able to create a mobile app called Pick Me in 2015. It is a very convenient app to get a quick ride to any place in the country at cheap prices. Thus, with higher education, many opportunities and benefits arise. However, on the other hand, people who start working rather than going to university would become more experienced. Having experience is one of the essential elements in being a successful professional, as well as, attaining job security. Moreover, it is the best way to save money since, going to a college, could cost a fortune. For instance, many students in United Arab Emirates, who started working as soon as they finished their higher studies in school, found it easier to get a better promotion and higher positions in their work fields in the long run. In conclusion, young people going to college would have more opportunities to widen their horizons, whereas working students would be able to gain better job opportunities in the future. I believe, it is better for young people to go to universities and gain proper knowledge and to demonstrate whatever they specialized to the betterment of the society.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults should go to college in order to advance their education
Did you mean "whereas"?
where as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
instead
they should
be encouraged
to work in order to serve the society such as, a car mechanic or builders and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. The following essay would
be discussed
on both views.

On one hand, it is
extremely
beneficial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
individuals continue their education. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
does it benefit the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, it
also
contributes to the improvement of the country. Individuals going to universities would have the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opportunities
to expand their learning capacity beyond the boundaries of the subject.
Furthermore
, they would be able to serve the country by providing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
and newer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
life convenient.
For example
, a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in Sri Lanka, studying at the Informatics Institute of Technology, were able to create a mobile app called Pick Me in 2015. It is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
convenient app to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a quick ride to any place in the country at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
prices.
Thus
, with higher education,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opportunities
and benefits arise.

However
,
on the other hand
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
working
rather
than going to university would become more experienced. Having experience is one of the essential elements in being a successful professional,
as well
as, attaining job security.
Moreover
, it is the best way to save money since, going to a college, could cost a fortune.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the United Arab Emirates".
in United Arab Emirates
, who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
working as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as they finished their higher studies in school, found it easier to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
promotion and higher positions in their work fields in the long run.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
going to college would have more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opportunities
to widen their horizons, whereas working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
would be able to gain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opportunities
in the future. I believe, it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to go to universities and gain proper knowledge and to demonstrate whatever they specialized to the betterment of the society.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think young people should go to university to further their education while others think they should been encouraged to work as car mechanics or builders etc. to serve society. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
330 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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