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Some people think we need more female leaders to create world peace and reduce violence. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people think we need more female leaders to create world peace and reduce violence. v. 2
Recently, there have been more and more widespread debates about whether women should be appointed to important positions of governmental leaders in order to help in peace-making and reduce violence all over the world. However, I would argue that this is such a naive perception and we should spend time focusing on the root problems. Obviously, this is a well-founded conclusion due to the apparent lack of female leaders in government worldwide. Women are certainly under-represented politics and we should definitely have more of them being involved in this field so as to keep sex discrimination at bay and see all the issues from many points of views. The second point to note is that women are believed to be capable of balancing between negative and positive points of any issues and bring all parties into peaceful negotiations with their kind-hearted personalities and soft skills. On the other hand, I personally think that the thought of having more women taking leadership roles in government could change the world is fallacious. First and foremost, some current major problems like terrorism, wars, and violence are caused by much deeper reasons than just gender. To be more specific, the main matters are racism, poverty, religious tension and so on and these problems can take years or even decades to be handled appropriately. As a result, regardless of the number of female leaders, the question of peace will remain as a thorny issue and the threat of wars could not be eliminated completely. Moreover, male leaders seem to be more tough and aggressive in running a nation while it is commonly thought that women with their weakness and maternity instincts are not able to make important decisions. In conclusion, from my instinct, I believe that change the genders of the components of government is not the perfect solution and we should find the ways to tackle the root problems
Recently, there have been more and more widespread debates about whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should
be appointed
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
positions of governmental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leaders
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in peace-making and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
violence all over the world.
However
, I would argue that this is such a naive
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
perception and
we should spend time focusing on the root problems.

Obviously
, this is a well-founded conclusion due to the apparent lack of female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leaders
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
worldwide.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
are
certainly
under-represented
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
politics and
we should definitely have more of them
being involved
in this field
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
sex discrimination at bay and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
all the issues from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
points of views. The second point to note is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are believed
to be capable of balancing between
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
points of any issues and bring all parties into peaceful negotiations with their kind-hearted personalities and soft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

On the other hand
, I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
of having more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
taking leadership roles in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the world is fallacious.
First
and foremost,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
major problems like terrorism, wars, and violence
are caused
by much deeper reasons than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
gender. To be more specific, the main matters are racism, poverty, religious tension and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on and these problems can take years or even decades to
be handled
appropriately
.
As a result
, regardless of the number of female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leaders
, the question of peace will remain as a thorny issue and the threat of wars could not
be eliminated
completely.
Moreover
, male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leaders
seem to be more tough and aggressive in running a nation while it is
commonly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
with their weakness and maternity instincts are not able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
decisions.

In conclusion
, from my instinct, I believe that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the genders of the components of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
is not the perfect
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
solution and
we should find the ways to tackle the root problems
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think we need more female leaders to create world peace and reduce violence. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
314 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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