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Some people think the most important thing about being rich is that it gives an opportunity to help other people. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people think the most important thing about being rich is that it gives an opportunity to help other people. v. 1
In compatibility with the world development, the number of dollars billionaires and millionaires has proliferated considerably. Nevertheless, whether those rich individuals should offer a helping chance for other people has triggered a heated debate. From my point of view, I totally agree with the argument that expenditure should be spent to aid other persons. First it is obvious that helping people by multifarious means could bridge the gap between rich and poor. More clearly, those funds raised by those generous patrons have a bearing on impoverished individuals especially in the developing countries to overcome their poverty by provide them with foods or fundamental aids. Furthermore, the money is also being allocated to help them seeking for a job or equipping them with equipment and techniques to do a vocation. Therefore, they are able to make a profit and feed themselves. Moreover, a lion’s share of funds from those billionaires helps to make the world better by confronting with some of the hottest problems such as eliminating HIV and raising educational status quo in such poor countries. For instance, it is true that medical aids including some specialized drugs are working their job efficiently to eradicate the spread of HIV in Africa. In addition, other large fractures of aids are being provided to build school, buying books and pay for volunteer teachers in some of the deserted areas. Thus, more and more poor or unreachable people might have chance to approach the adequate medical and educational services. In a nutshell, helping others is the greatest way to turn the world into a worth-living place. Only doing so can world maintain dynamic and sustainable development
In compatibility with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
development, the number of dollars billionaires and millionaires has proliferated
considerably
.
Nevertheless
, whether those rich individuals should offer a helping chance for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
has
triggered a heated debate. From my point of view, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the argument that expenditure should
be spent
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
persons.

First
it is obvious that helping
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
by multifarious means could bridge the gap between rich and poor. More
clearly
, those funds raised by those generous patrons have a bearing on impoverished individuals
especially
in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
to overcome their poverty by provide them with foods or fundamental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aids
.
Furthermore
, the money is
also
being allocated
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them
The verb 'being' is used with an infinitive: "to seek" or "seek".
seeking
for a job or equipping them with equipment and techniques to do a vocation.
Therefore
, they are able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a profit and feed themselves.

Moreover
, a lion’s share of funds from those billionaires
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
better by confronting with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of the hottest problems such as eliminating HIV and raising educational status quo in such poor countries.
For instance
, it is true that medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aids
including
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
specialized drugs are working their job
efficiently
to eradicate the spread of HIV in Africa.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
large fractures of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aids
are
being provided
to build school, buying books and pay for volunteer teachers in
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
deserted areas.
Thus
, more and more poor or unreachable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
might have chance to approach the adequate medical and educational services.

In a nutshell, helping others is the greatest way to turn the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
into a worth-living place.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
maintain dynamic and sustainable
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
development
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Some people think the most important thing about being rich is that it gives an opportunity to help other people. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
272 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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