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Some people think that the most important thing about being rich is it gives a person the opportunity to help other people. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people think that the most important thing about being rich is it gives a person the opportunity to help other people. v. 1
Wealth is a blessing that everyone desires to have. A number of individuals are of the opinion that the primary significance of it is the ability to be charitable. I completely disagree with this view as not all wealthy people like to share their finances, they will rather take care of their needs which is of more importance to them. Firstly, charity does not benefit the rich directly as he loses money in the process. For instance, a wealthy man who frequently assists people financially has nothing physical to gain. He may end up loosing a lot of money in the process and may not even have enough for himself. For this reason, giving to charity may not be practiced by most rich people, making it less important to them. Furthermore, the ability to provide abundantly for their personal and family needs will be the main benefit to these individuals as this is what everyone looks out for. Dangote, the richest man in Nigeria and Africa is able to completely cater for his family as he sends his children to the best schools and takes good care of them. He is also able to purchase the best cars and take trips round the world because of his wealth. All this gives a fulfilment of accomplishment and so is of great benefit to him. In conclusion, i still disagree with the opinion because the rich will gain more from taking care of their needs and not all rich people will like to share their wealth.
Wealth is a blessing that everyone desires to have. A number of individuals are of the opinion that the primary significance of it is the ability to be charitable. I completely disagree with this view as not all wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
like to share their finances, they will
rather
take care of their needs which is of more importance to them.

Firstly
, charity does not benefit the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
directly
as he loses money in the process.
For instance
, a wealthy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
who
frequently
assists
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
financially
has nothing physical to gain. He may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up loosing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money in the process and may not even have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
for himself.
For this reason
, giving to charity may not
be practiced
by most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, making it less
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to them.

Furthermore
, the ability to provide
abundantly
for their personal and family needs will be the main benefit to these individuals as this is what everyone looks out for.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Dangote
, the richest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
in Nigeria and Africa is able to completely cater for his family as he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sends
his children to the best schools and takes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
care of them. He is
also
able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
the best cars and take trips round the world
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of his wealth. All this gives a
Possible spelling mistake. 'fulfilment' is British English.
fulfilment
of accomplishment and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
is of great benefit to him.

In conclusion
,
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
still
disagree with the opinion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
will gain more from taking care of their needs and not all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will like to share their wealth.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
I love commuting between languages just like I love commuting between cultures and cities.
Elif Safak

IELTS essay Some people think that the most important thing about being rich is it gives a person the opportunity to help other people. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
254 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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