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Some people think that the teenagers should concentrate on all subjects at school. Others believe that teenagers should focus on the subject they are best at or they are most interested in. To what extent do you agree? v.1

Some people think that the teenagers should concentrate on all subjects at school. Others believe that teenagers should focus on the subject they are best at or they are most interested in. v. 1
While it is thought that adolescents ought to focus on a broad range of school subjects, others feel it would be better for them to concentrate only on chosen subjects. I believe the number of subjects they study should depend on their age. One reason adolescents from around the age of 13 to 17 ought to focus on learning as many different subjects as possible is that they are too immature to make serious decisions that will affect their future. By studying various subjects, they will develop a clearer understanding of their skills and interests, which often change as a child ages. Secondly, teenagers need to vary what they learn to help them develop into well rounded adults. For example, they need sport to encourage health, they need maths to be able to perform simple arithmetic in life, and they need languages to help them learn communication. At a young age they are not mature enough to be responsible for their own development. However, by the age of 18, adolescents know not only what subjects they most enjoy or excel at, but also which subjects are most useful for their future prospects in life. For this reason, the majority of university applicants are 18 years old, and they are eager to engage more deeply in specific subject matter. Furthermore, their ability to concentrate on one specific subject and study in depth is fully established at that age, unlike when they were younger. Lastly, older adolescents have the ability to manage their own schedule and can take responsibility for continuing art or sport as hobbies. To conclude, younger teenagers are not ready to specialise and require a broad framework of subjects to help them develop, but at the age of 18, this is no longer the case.
While it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adolescents
ought to focus on a broad range of school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, others feel it would be better for them to concentrate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
on chosen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
. I believe the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
they study should depend on their age.

One reason
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adolescents
from around the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 13 to 17 ought to focus on learning as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
as possible is that they are too immature to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
serious decisions that will affect their future. By studying various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, they will develop a clearer understanding of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and interests, which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
as a child
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to vary what they learn to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them develop into
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well rounded
adults.
For example
, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
sport to encourage health, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
Possible spelling mistake. 'maths' is British English.
maths
to be able to perform simple arithmetic in life, and they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
languages to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them learn communication. At a young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
they are not mature
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to be responsible for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
development.

However
, by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 18,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adolescents
know not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
they most enjoy or excel at,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are most useful for their future prospects in life.
For this reason
, the majority of university applicants are 18 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, and they are eager to engage more
deeply
in specific
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "subject".
subject matter
.
Furthermore
, their ability to concentrate on one specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
and study in depth is
fully
established at that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
, unlike when they were younger.
Lastly
, older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adolescents
have the ability to manage their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
schedule and can take responsibility for continuing art or sport as hobbies.

To conclude
, younger
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are not ready to
Possible spelling mistake. 'specialise' is British English.
specialise
and require a broad framework of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them develop,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 18, this is no longer the case.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that the teenagers should concentrate on all subjects at school. Others believe that teenagers should focus on the subject they are best at or they are most interested in. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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