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Some people think that the most important thing about being rich is it gives a person the opportunity to help other people. v.5

Some people think that the most important thing about being rich is it gives a person the opportunity to help other people. v. 5
In recent times, it is unquestionable that money is a vital part of people’s existence. Some claim that affluent people have more opportunity to offer help to those in need. On the contrary, I believe that everyone has the capability to give monetary help to unpriviledge people. Not only supporting the needy people emotionally, but also encouraging them to improve their life are other ways to help them. Emotional support is crucial in people’s life as it enables them to realize that they still have someone to be with during the hardships. Even though, they find it difficult to face a brand new day, they would still see the bright side of the story because there are a lot of positive people surrounding them. For instance, my friend Sarah has been diagnosed with cancer few months ago. Her family could not afford to fund her medical expenses but made sure that Sarah is emotionally supported. At this event, her family is always present in her therapy which makes her stronger. This is one of the two ways for people to offer help. In addition, encouragement would be helpful for a person experiencing sufferings as they could develop self-pity because of what they are facing. Positive words would help them see their hardships as challenges. Like in Sarah’s case, her other friends would always communicate with her through online and talk about what activities they could do after her therapy. They tell jokes and make her laugh every time they talk. In this case, Sarah is encouraged to do well in her therapy as she would see her friends afterwards. In conclusion, money is not an important factor to live life and offer help. Being rich does not make you priviledged in helping other people. I strongly believe that people can still offer a hand through emotional support and encouragement. Everyone in the society – rich or poor, student or worker, can still offer help.
In recent times, it is unquestionable that money is a vital part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
existence.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
claim that affluent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have more opportunity to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
offer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
to those in need.
On the contrary
, I believe that everyone has the capability to give monetary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
to
Possible spelling mistake found.
unpriviledge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
supporting the needy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
emotionally
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
encouraging them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their life are other ways to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them.

Emotional support is crucial in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
life as it enables them to realize that they
still
have someone to be with during the hardships.
Even though
, they find it difficult to face a
'brand new' seems to be a compound adjective in front of a noun. Use a hyphen: "brand-new".
brand new
day, they would
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the bright side of the story
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
surrounding them.
For instance
, my friend Sarah has
been diagnosed
with cancer few months ago. Her family could not afford to fund her medical expenses
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
made sure that Sarah is
emotionally
supported. At this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
, her family is always present in her therapy which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
her stronger. This is one of the two ways for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
offer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
.

In addition
, encouragement would be helpful for a person experiencing sufferings as they could develop self-pity
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of what they are facing.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Positive
words would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
their hardships as challenges. Like in Sarah’s case, her other friends would always communicate with her through online and talk about what activities they could do after her therapy. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
jokes and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
her laugh every time they talk.
In this case
, Sarah
is encouraged
to do well in her therapy as she would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
her friends afterwards.

In conclusion
, money is not an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
life and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
offer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
. Being rich does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
you
Possible spelling mistake found.
priviledged
in helping other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. I
strongly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
still
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
offer
a hand through emotional support and encouragement. Everyone in the society
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
rich or poor, student or worker, can
still
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
offer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that the most important thing about being rich is it gives a person the opportunity to help other people. v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
324 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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