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Some people think that the most important thing about being rich is it gives a person the opportunity to help other people. Do you agree or disagree? v.16

Some people think that the most important thing about being rich is it gives a person the opportunity to help other people. v. 16
Our society is divided into the riches and the poor ones. Some people believe that being rich, brings you the privilege to support others in the society. I agree with the statement and this essay will further explain it with examples. To start with, the rich people have this so called power, money, which can solve problems for many. As we have this popular adage, "Money can buy you anything". Therefore, if they are willing to support the needy ones, they can easily do that. For instance, a business tycoon in real estate can easily provide free housing schemes for the homeless people. It would not cost him a lot, but he owns it, so only he can deliver it. Thus, philanthropy can be done, if you have the money. Moreover, poor people can help others too, but with limitations and that will not resolve much of the issue for the help seekers. As we know, we could take care of others only with what we have in our control. Even governments all around the world ask for CSR (Corporate Social Responsibility) activities of the biggest industries. In other words, they ask the rich to help the society because they have the right resources. Resultantly, top riches in the world are counted as the best philanthropists. In conclusion, important aspect of being rich is that you can take care of others, as you have what others do not. I strongly believe, they have earned from this society and can pay back to it by using their money and resources rightly.
Our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
is divided
into the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
riches
and the poor ones.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
, brings you the privilege to support others in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement and this essay will
further
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
it with examples.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have this
It seems that a hyphen is missing.
so called
power, money, which can solve problems for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
. As we have this popular adage,
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
Money can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
you anything
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
.
Therefore
, if they are willing to support the needy ones, they can
easily
do that.
For instance
, a business tycoon in real estate can
easily
provide free housing schemes for the homeless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. It would not cost him a lot,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owns
it,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
he can deliver it.
Thus
, philanthropy can
be done
, if you have the money.

Moreover
, poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
others too,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
with limitations and that will not resolve much of the issue for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
seekers. As we know, we could take care of others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
with what we have in our control. Even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
all around the world
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ask for
CSR (Corporate Social Responsibility) activities of the biggest industries. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, they ask the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have the right resources.
Resultantly
, top
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
riches
in the world
are counted
as the best philanthropists.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
aspect of being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
is that you can take care of others, as you have what others do not. I
strongly
believe, they have earned from this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
and can pay back to it by using their money and resources
rightly
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
Learn everything you can, anytime you can, from anyone you can; there will always come a time when you will be grateful you did.
Sarah Caldwell

IELTS essay Some people think that the most important thing about being rich is it gives a person the opportunity to help other people. v. 16

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
260 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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