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Some people think that the most important function of music is to help people relax

Some people think that the most important function of music is to help people relax Ky3Rk
Nowadays the music industry has grown dramatically and becomes one of the most popular hobbies of many people. It is believed by many that one of the most characteristics of melody is to help people to get calm and reduce stress. I completely agree with this opinion and think that music is the nutrition of the spirits, that’s why people can benefit from listening to the melody. First of all, there is no second doubt that music is needed and everyone listening to music at least once a day, and it helps individuals to reduce their stress after a stressful long day. Music has a magical power of reducing stress and keep people calm who work under pressure. Moreover, it is known that music has been used as a healing method to treat some mental health issues. For example, in mental health facilities use music as a method of treatment to heal the clients who have mental tiredness such as depression and anxiety, and the result shows that people who listened to music are thinking more positive and feeling much better than before. Secondly, and the most significant advantage of the music is that help people who need focusing and concentration such as doctors, pilots and engineers. in other words, these jobs need high precession calculations and if not it can cause losing money, wasting time and even can cause kill the patients. For instance, a surgery doctor has to concentrate when he does the operation, if he is not enough to calm, might not focus while he does surgery operation and it can cause the patients life. Thus, music is an essential need for people who have to pay more attention to their job. In conclusion, people could benefit from listening to music to relax, and music can be used to heal some mental health problems, and also can help people who need high focusing and concentration in their job.
Nowadays the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
industry has grown
dramatically
and becomes one of the most popular hobbies of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. It
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
that one of the most characteristics of melody is to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
calm and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this opinion and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is the nutrition of the spirits, that’s why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can benefit from listening to the melody.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, there is no second doubt that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is needed
and everyone listening to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
at least once a day, and it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
individuals to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
after a stressful long day.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
has a magical power of reducing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
calm
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
work under pressure.
Moreover
, it
is known
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
as a healing method to treat
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mental
health issues.
For example
, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mental
health facilities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
as a method of treatment to heal the clients
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mental
tiredness such as depression and anxiety, and the result
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
listened to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
are thinking more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and feeling much better than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.

Secondly
, and the most significant advantage of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
focusing and concentration such as doctors, pilots and engineers.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
in
other words, these jobs
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
high precession calculations and if not it can cause losing money, wasting time and even can cause kill the patients.
For instance
, a surgery doctor
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
concentrate when he does the operation, if he is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to calm, might not focus while he does surgery operation and it can cause the
Possible typo: apostrophe is missing. Did you mean "patients'" or "patient's"?
patients
life.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is an essential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay more attention to their job.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could benefit from listening to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
to relax, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to heal
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mental
health problems, and
also
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
high focusing and concentration in their job.
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IELTS essay Some people think that the most important function of music is to help people relax

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
321 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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