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Some people think that the main influence on young people's diet is advertising rather than family and friends. v.1

Some people think that the main influence on young people's diet is advertising rather than family and friends. v. 1
With an emerging impact of advertisements, young people's diet habit is a concerning issue as the number of overweight children is on the rise. While some people are convinced that adverts targeting the young residents to shape their preferences of food have higher influence than family and friends. I, however, disagree with this notion. To begin with, we are living in a world where adverts are all around us and their influence on young generation is more severe than adults. Advertisements, especially those targets teenagers and related to food and beverage, spend a huge amount of money to allure them to a better living standard which are, most of the cases, lies. Consequently, young people are trapped and prefer fast food than home-made menus. For instance, a recent survey conducted on college students in my city revealed that they prefer pizza, subway sandwich and burger than the foods their mums prepare at home. Further studies explained that those students have little conscious of the balanced diet and are exposed to TV and online advertisements. Having said that, family and friends have a greater influence on a teenager's eating habit. A family has a greater role in shaping a child's food intake habit and scientific studies prove that our diet habit is deeply rooted in the type of food we eat in our childhood. Thus, if a teenager has a bad eating habit, the family is to blame for that. On top of that, when a child starts making friends, he is significantly get influenced by his friends eating and drinking habit. To illustrate, based on a recent research published in the magazine 'Healthy Living', more than 70% school going teenagers try to mimic the diet habit of their friends who they spend time with. This statistics clearly reveal that our family members and friends have more influence on our choices of foods and drinks than the advertisements we are exposed to. To conclude, food habit is a significant part of our life as it defines who we become and how healthy, both physically and psychologically, we would be in the future. Advertisements, to a certain extent, have an impact on young people's diet, but family and friends have an even greater role.
With an emerging impact of
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advertisements
,
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young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's diet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habit
is a concerning issue as the number of overweight children is on the rise. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are convinced
that adverts targeting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
residents to shape their preferences of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
have higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
influence
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
. I,
however
, disagree with this notion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, we are living in a world where adverts are all around us and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
influence
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation is more severe than adults.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Advertisements
,
especially
those targets
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
and related to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and beverage, spend a huge amount of money to allure them to a better living standard which are, most of the cases, lies.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are trapped
and prefer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
than home-made menus.
For instance
, a recent survey conducted on college students in my city revealed that they prefer pizza, subway sandwich and burger than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
their
Possible spelling mistake found.
mums
prepare at home.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Further
studies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
that those students have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
conscious of the balanced diet and
are exposed
to TV and online advertisements.

Having said that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
have a greater
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
influence
on a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
's eating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habit
. A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
has a greater role in shaping a child's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
intake
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habit
and scientific studies prove that our diet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habit
is
deeply
rooted in the type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
we eat in our childhood.
Thus
, if a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
has a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
eating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habit
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is to blame for that.
On top of that
, when a child
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
, he is
significantly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
influenced by his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
eating and drinking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habit
. To illustrate, based on a recent research published in the magazine 'Healthy Living', more than 70% school going
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
try to mimic the diet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habit
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
who they spend time with. This statistics
clearly
reveal that our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
have more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
influence
on our choices of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and drinks than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
we
are exposed
to.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habit
is a significant part of our life as it defines who we become and how healthy, both
physically
and
psychologically
, we would be in the future.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Advertisements
, to a certain extent, have an impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's diet,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
have an even greater role.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
42Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that the main influence on young people's diet is advertising rather than family and friends. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
372 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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