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Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and that this money could be better spent elsewhere. To what extend do you agree with this view? v.15

Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and that this money could be better spent elsewhere. v. 15
People hold different views about a great amount of cash are wasted on the arts instead of to donate on other spheres such as public services or charities. I definitely agree with that government should investigate the craft for the many reasons which will be noted in the following paragraphs. First of all, it is undeniable that in recent days the governments have not noticed the craft as one of the significant ways to support history for young generation, who become less interested on this sphere. To illustrate, the survey among children showed a 5, 8 percent decrease in levels of young people attending an arts event once a year or more. Moreover, a huge amount of good work going on in museums, not just in their traditional role of being guardians of our past as well as how they can help us shape our future. Second of all, in today's modernized era, it is proved that creating or experiencing art can relax and soothe us or it may enliven and stimulate the people. As an example, the process of creating art engages both the body and the mind as well as providing human with time to look inward and reflect. Furthermore, the recent generation needs art to keep themselves healthy. To conclude, from the aforementioned points it is clear that the country should not ignore art as well as other public services. From my standpoint, it is frequently noted that the craft may have a lot of influences on the growing generation.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
hold
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
views about a great amount of cash
are wasted
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
instead
of to donate on other spheres such as public services or charities. I definitely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should investigate the craft for the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons which will
be noted
in the following paragraphs.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is undeniable that in recent days the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
have not noticed the craft as one of the significant ways to support history for young generation, who become less interested on this sphere. To illustrate, the survey among children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
a 5, 8 percent decrease in levels of young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
attending an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
once a year or more.
Moreover
, a huge amount of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
work going on in museums, not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
in their traditional role of being guardians of our past
as well
as how they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us shape our future.

Second of all, in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's modernized era, it
is proved
that creating or experiencing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
can relax and soothe us or it may enliven and stimulate the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. As an example, the process of creating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
engages both the body and the mind
as well
as providing human with time to look inward and reflect.
Furthermore
, the recent generation needs
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
themselves healthy.

To conclude
, from the aforementioned points it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that the country should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
as well
as other public services. From my standpoint, it is
frequently
noted that the craft may have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
influences on the growing generation.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and that this money could be better spent elsewhere. v. 15

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
253 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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