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Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and this money could be better spent elsewhere. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and that this money could be better spent elsewhere. v. 13
There have been a lot of debates about spending the budget of countries during the last decades. Therefore, it is commonly argued that government should not have contribute money to the fields of arts, elaborating on it as a waste of money and that it would be much better to invest it in more demanded areas. I personally tend to think that this sphere have to be developed as equally as a variety of other fields. First of all, the area of arts cannot be utterly separated by the state in terms of investments. In other words, every field such as medicine, sport, and education are determined to possess a wide range of advantages which allow countries to put one step ahead of others, nevertheless, arts have all potentials to make its own sufficient refinements in favor of the place as well. For instance, a great deal of outstanding representatives of art succeeded by carrying out their work and made a huge contribution to the development of their country’s culture, glorifying it on an international level. Thus, arts are one of the very fields that must burgeon, being financially supported by the government. Second of all, there would not be any entertainments for people in order to digress from their routine life without the continual progress of arts. It means that humans having a job which take a great amount of energy are usually supposed to turn their attention to something more relaxing and enticing so as to reduce stress and pressure. To illustrate, nowadays, the number of theatre audience is exponentially rising owing to the increasing quantity of responsibilities and obligations of workers. Therefore, it is believed that enjoying arts is a successful way in dealing with mental problems, caused by everyday life. In conclusion, this essay has discussed why the money of government is necessary to be invested in the field of arts due to its role in the promotion of countries and improving the mental condition of human beings. Hence, it is my view that investing money in this area as well as in others is an excellent suggestion.
There have been
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
debates about spending the budget of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
during the last decades.
Therefore
, it is
commonly
argued that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should not have
Use past participle here: "contributed".
contribute
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fields
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
, elaborating on it as a waste of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and that it would be much better to invest it in more demanded areas. I
personally
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that this sphere
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be developed
as
Use either "equally" or "as" on its own. When comparing two nouns, use "just as".
equally as
a variety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
fields.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the area of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
cannot be
utterly
separated by the state in terms of investments. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
such as medicine, sport, and education
are determined
to possess a wide range of advantages which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
to put one step ahead of others,
nevertheless
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
have all potentials to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
sufficient refinements in favor of the place
as well
.
For instance
, a great deal of outstanding representatives of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
succeeded by carrying out their work and made a huge contribution to the development of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country’s
culture, glorifying it on an international level.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
are one of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fields
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
burgeon, being
financially
supported by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

Second of all, there would not be any entertainments for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in order to digress from their routine life without the continual progress of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
. It means that humans having a job which take a great amount of energy are
usually
supposed to turn their attention to something more relaxing and enticing
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and pressure. To illustrate, nowadays, the number of
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
audience is
exponentially
rising owing to the increasing quantity of responsibilities and obligations of workers.
Therefore
, it
is believed
that enjoying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
is a successful way in dealing with mental problems, caused by everyday life.

In conclusion
, this essay has discussed why the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
is necessary to
be invested
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
due to its role in the promotion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
and improving the mental condition of human beings.
Hence
, it is my view that investing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in this area
as well
as in others is an excellent suggestion.
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IELTS essay Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and this money could be better spent elsewhere.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
352 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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