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he chart shows British Emigration to selected destinations between 2004 and 2007. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant. v.1

he chart shows British Emigration to selected destinations between 2004 and 2007.
Advances in technology and transportation have made globalization much easier, accordingly multinational corporations have become considerably more widespread all over the word and as a result, it is more common to be an expect than it was in the past, some people believe that the children of those families could benefit from the experience of living in foreign countries, while others oppose this idea. I, for one, consider myself to be one of the advocates of the second opinion. In the hereunder paragraph more details, with more insight of both opinions, shall be indicated. Living in a foreign country would be a great opportunity to learn about a new language, as well as being exposed to a different culture, such experience would help in widening the spectrum of any individual, regardless of age, thus children will be enriched by being those different experiences, becoming more open minded, making it easier to accept people from different backgrounds with different habits and customs, moreover learning a new language should enable youngsters to be more quick learners, studies show that learning more than one language at a young age could aid them in acquiring other subjects that are not related to their linguistic abilities, such as mathematics and science. On the other hand some other opnions, such as mine, are disagreeing with this idea, since raising younger generations in foreign country could adhere them from learning their native language, because most countries only teach their local language at school, especially in elementary levels, unless one of their parents is able to dedicate part of his or hers time to teach the child the language of his parents country, but this is not always achievable, because usually parents who live outside their homeland are less likely to have enough time for this responsibility or they might not be even have enough knowledge to teach their mother tongue efficiently, in addition the child would unfortunately would have less opportunities to practice his native language, as a cause for living in a community that do not use this language. Also the youngsters might be detached from their local culture, as a result of not having any hands on experience with it. To conclude, I restate my opinion that children raised in foreign countries might suffer greatly from living abroad, to mitigate those negative effect their parents should encourage them to learn their native language, whether by themselves or by the aid of centres that could help them in learn their homeland language and they could minimize the cultural gap by strengthening their ties with other citizens of the same nationality that share similar background, in order to be accustomed to their native roots.
Advances in technology and transportation have made globalization much easier,
accordingly
multinational corporations have become
considerably
more widespread
Did you mean "all over the world" (=globally)?
all over the word
and
as a result
, it is more common to be an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
than it was in the past,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that the children of those families could benefit from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
of living in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, while others oppose this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
. I, for one, consider myself to be one of the advocates of the second opinion. In the hereunder paragraph more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
, with more insight of both opinions, shall
be indicated
.

Living in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
would be a great opportunity to learn about a new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
,
as well
as
being exposed
to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
culture, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in widening the spectrum of any individual, regardless of age,
thus
children will
be enriched
by being those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
, becoming more
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
open minded
, making it easier to accept
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
backgrounds with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
habits and customs,
moreover
learning a new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
should enable youngsters to be more quick learners, studies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that learning more than one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
at a young age could aid them in acquiring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
subjects that are not related to their linguistic abilities, such as mathematics and science.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
Possible spelling mistake found.
opnions
, such as mine,
The verb 'disagreeing' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
are disagreeing
with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
, since raising younger generations in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
could adhere them from learning their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
native
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
teach their local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
at school,
especially
in elementary levels, unless one of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
is able to dedicate part of his or hers time to teach the child the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
of his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this is not always achievable,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
usually
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
outside their homeland are less likely to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time for this
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
responsibility or
they might not be even
Consider using a past participle here: "had".
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
knowledge to teach their mother tongue
efficiently
,
in addition
the child would unfortunately
This form is ambiguous and can be used as past tense. Confirm that you are using the intended base form of the main verb after 'to do' as an auxiliary verb..
would
have
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun opportunities is countable.
less
opportunities to practice his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
native
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
, as a cause for living in a community that do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
the youngsters might
be detached
from their local culture,
as a result
of not having any hands on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
with it.

To conclude
, I restate my opinion that children raised in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
might suffer
greatly
from living abroad, to mitigate those
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should encourage them to learn their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
native
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
, whether by themselves or by the aid of
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
that could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them in learn their homeland
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
language and
they could minimize the cultural gap by strengthening their ties with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
citizens of the same nationality that share similar background, in order to
be accustomed
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
native
roots.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay he chart shows British Emigration to selected destinations between 2004 and 2007.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
447 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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