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Some people think that the criminals who commit minor crimes should be made to do unpaid community work . Do u agree ?

Some people think that the criminals who commit minor crimes should be made to do unpaid community work. Do u agree? g5AnO
While many think that the people who commit minor crimes should be made to do community work without paying them, others believe that they should be kept behind the bars. I support the latter idea as I believe that criminals are criminals no matter how big or small the crime is. Nowadays crimes are increasing at an alarming rate. Because of the increasing population and decreasing employment opportunities, more people are committing crimes to survive. This has become a serious social problem. Thus, if a minor crime is given an excuse, it will encourage other criminals to do more heinous crimes as they will think that the repercussions of their minor crime is negligible. Hence, although making them do unpaid community service may be beneficial for society, not prosecuting them for small crimes will encourage them to do more serious crimes. For example, there has been few cases where major crimes like kidnapping, rape and murder were committed by the same people who committed minor crimes. Thus, even small crimes like reckless driving, trespassing or breaking traffic rules should be punished and the offender should be kept behind the bars so that they will not repeat it in the future. Furthermore, it is equally important to know the circumstances under which a crime was committed and the punishment should be given according to the severity of the crime. Thus, the more serious the crime, the more serious the consequences. Thus to conclude, I believe that community service is not the permanent solution for the criminals who commits heinous crimes.
While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who commit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
should
be made
to do community work without paying them, others believe that they should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
behind the bars. I support the latter
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
as I believe that
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criminals
are
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criminals
no matter how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
is.

Nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
are increasing at an alarming rate.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of the increasing population and decreasing employment opportunities, more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are committing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
to survive. This has become a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
serious
social problem.
Thus
, if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
an excuse, it will encourage other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
to do more heinous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
as they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the repercussions of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
is negligible.
Hence
, although making them do unpaid community service may be beneficial for society, not prosecuting them for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
will encourage them to do more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
.
For example
, there has been few cases where major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
like kidnapping, rape and murder
were committed
by the same
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who committed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minor
crimes.

Thus
, even
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
like reckless driving, trespassing or breaking traffic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
should
be punished
and the offender should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
behind the bars
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they will not repeat it in the future.

Furthermore
, it is
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to know the circumstances under which a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
was committed
and the punishment should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
according to the severity of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
.
Thus
, the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
serious
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
, the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
serious
the consequences.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
to conclude
, I believe that community service is not the permanent solution for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
who
Did you mean "commit"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'criminals' should be used.
commits
heinous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
.
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IELTS essay Some people think that the criminals who commit minor crimes should be made to do unpaid community work. Do u agree?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
259 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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