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Some people think that self-development is more important than any kind of training provided by different institutions. Others disagree with this idea. Which idea do you agree with and why?

Some people think that self-development is more important than any kind of training provided by different institutions. Others disagree with this idea. Which idea do you agree with and why? LroW3
Nowadays it is a big dilemma: which is better, self-development or training. Some people consider that provided training is key to securing well-paid jobs, while others think that self-development is more fundamental(important). Firstly, personal development is a lifelong process. Everybody got their talent inside. Every individual has their own idea and talent, but most of us cannot explore them because of lacking personal development. with self-improvement, we produce skills, that in the future it helps us finding a congruous job. I strongly believe that in formal education you can find a job and just live, but self-education will raise your abilities and make you a fortune. Self-development reflects on our self-confidence and it also decreases risks of psychical repress. For me, as an artist, before I had started working on myself and self-improvement, I couldn’t create something valuable, but as soon as I started relationship with more experienced and developed artists, it reflected on my inventiveness and creation. On the other hand, some people consider, that lectures are openly reflected in our career, but as I guess, it is out of logical sense. you cannot dream yourself into a character, you must hammer and forge yourself one, dreaming of something is just time-wasting, as bill gates and other successful persons did. Bill didn’t have any trainings or lectures, as he says in one of interview, when he started working on boosting self-improvement, he immediately became self-assured and his life became more successful. To conclude, self-development is the most essential part of our existence. as it’s said, life is growth. If we stop growing spiritually and physically, we are as good as dead. With self-development we become more usable and competitive person, that is responsible for our lives
Nowadays it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
dilemma: which is better, self-development or training.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
consider that provided training is key to securing well-paid jobs, while others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that self-development is more fundamental(
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
).

Firstly
, personal development is a lifelong process. Everybody
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
their talent inside. Every individual has
'Each', 'every', 'either' and 'neither' are used with singular and thus take a singular pronoun: "his", "her", "his or her", "its"
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
and talent,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
most of us cannot explore them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of lacking personal development.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
with
self-improvement, we produce
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, that in the future it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
us
The verb 'the' is used with an infinitive: "to find" or "find".
finding
a congruous job. I
strongly
believe that in formal education you can find a job and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
self-education will raise your abilities and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
you a fortune. Self-development reflects on our self-confidence and it
also
decreases
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
of psychical repress. For me, as an artist,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
I had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
working on myself and self-improvement, I couldn’t create something valuable,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
relationship with more experienced and developed artists, it reflected on my inventiveness and creation.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
consider, that lectures are
openly
reflected in our career,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
as I guess, it is out of logical sense.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
you
cannot dream yourself into a character, you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
hammer and forge yourself one, dreaming of something is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
time-wasting, as
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
bill gates
and other successful persons did. Bill didn’t have any trainings or lectures, as he says in one of interview, when he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
working on boosting self-improvement, he immediately became self-assured and his life became more successful.

To conclude
, self-development is the most essential part of our existence.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
as
it’s said, life is growth. If we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
growing
spiritually
and
physically
, we are as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
as dead. With
The comma is probably missing here: "self-development, we".
self-development we
become more usable and competitive person,
that is
responsible for our
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
lives
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IELTS essay Some people think that self-development is more important than any kind of training provided by different institutions. Others disagree with this idea. Which idea do you agree with and why?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
286 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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