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Some people think that school children should learn practical skills such as car maintenance or bank account management along with academic subjects at school. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people think that school children should learn practical skills such as car maintenance or bank account management along with academic subjects at school. v. 1
A section of people holds up an opinion that the students should be skilful while studying subjects of their institute curriculum. In my opinion, they should only focus on jail subject rather than learning skills, such as, mechanical training or accounting because it should be decided in later years, when they choose their field of profession. To support my view, first of all, they should focus on faculty subjects to learn primary valves of the life because they should imbibe mathematics or language subjects with priority instead of any skill. To exemplify it, a pupil should must aware about numbers because accounting is impossible without it, and task of later years, when they have to decide about their career. To illustrate it more, one who has an ambition to be a doctor, then there is no benefit of mechanical training of academy years in a long term, thus it is a wastage of time as well as distraction of students from other subjects. Eventually, Extra skilful training whilst learning department subjects may increase the burden on the minds of the students and it results failure in major subjects. Take, an example, if a scholar studying history as a department, subject may ask to learn accounting as well, will results failure in both of these areas. Thus, scholar should have the freedom to only concentrate on jail curriculum without any distraction. To sum up, The pith of my idea is that pupils should ask to pay attention to institutionalize the lessons only and they should learn practical skills in later years, when they feel enable to select appropriate career options in accordance to their taste.
A section of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
holds up an opinion that the students should be
Possible spelling mistake. 'skilful' is British English.
skilful
while studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
of their institute curriculum. In my opinion, they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
focus on jail
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
rather
than learning
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, such as, mechanical training or accounting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it should
be decided
in later years, when they choose their field of profession.

To support my view,
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
first of all
, they should focus on faculty
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
to learn primary valves of the life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they should imbibe mathematics or language
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
with priority
instead
of any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
. To exemplify it, a pupil should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
aware about numbers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
accounting is impossible without it, and task of later years, when they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
decide about their career.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
To
illustrate it more, one who has an ambition to be a doctor, then there is no benefit of mechanical training of academy years in a long term,
thus
it is a wastage of time
as well
as distraction of students from other subjects.

Eventually
, Extra
Possible spelling mistake. 'skilful' is British English.
skilful
training whilst learning department
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
may increase the burden on the minds of the students and it results failure in major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
. Take, an example, if a scholar studying history as a department,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
may ask to learn
If 'learn' is used as a verb, it usually requires the infinitive: "to account".
accounting
as well
, will
The verb 'will' requires the base form of the verb: "result"
results
failure in both of these areas.
Thus
, scholar should have the freedom to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
concentrate on jail curriculum without any distraction.

To sum up, The pith of my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
is that pupils should ask to pay attention to institutionalize the lessons
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
only and
they should learn practical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in later years, when they feel enable to select appropriate career options in accordance to their taste.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that school children should learn practical skills such as car maintenance or bank account management along with academic subjects at school. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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