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Some people think that school children need to learn practical skills such as car maintenance or bank account management along with the academic subjects at school. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people think that school children need to learn practical skills such as car maintenance or bank account management along with the academic subjects at school. v. 1
It is sometimes thought that as well as taking academic education at school, children should attain some practical skills such as maintaining the car, opening the bank account and etcetera. I completely agree with the idea that children must also focus on the learning practice skills along with study academically. There are some obvious reasons why I understand that in addition the academic study, practical skills must be taught to children. Firstly, after learn practical skills, they will become more self-dependant than they are. In detail, when children learn practical skills, they become able to do their most of work themselves and no need to remain dependent on others. For example if children have a car and they learn some basic skills such as filling fuel, reading meters and so on, no need to get help of other expect than rare cases Secondly, with to be skilled, they will to have great opportunities of employment in the future. In other words, in order to retain jobs, applicant should have qualifications and practical skills are demanded by employers. Hence, if children start to learn practical skill from childhood, will have more chances to fulfill these demands and secure the job. For example, the computer is being used in almost everywhere and therefore to learn use it put forward applicant, seeking the job, ahead those of who have not such skills. To conclude, in my perspective, because of being skilled make children more dependent and put forward in the way of getting jobs, they need to give attention the learning skills additionally with the academic study.
It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that
as well
as taking academic education at school,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should attain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
such as maintaining the car, opening the bank account and etcetera. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
also
focus on the learning practice
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
along with study
academically
.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
obvious reasons why I understand that
in addition
the academic study,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be taught
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Firstly
, after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
, they will become more
Possible spelling mistake found.
self-dependant
than they are. In detail, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
, they become able to do their
Consider using "most work" or "most of the work".
most of work
themselves and no need to remain dependent on others.
For example
if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have a
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
car and
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
such as filling fuel, reading meters and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on, no need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
than rare
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
cases


Secondly
, with to
be skilled
, they will to have great opportunities of employment in the future.
In other words
, in order to retain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, applicant should have qualifications and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
are demanded
by employers.
Hence
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
from childhood, will have more chances to fulfill these demands and secure the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
For example
, the computer is being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in almost everywhere and
therefore
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it put forward applicant, seeking the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, ahead those of
Did you mean "whom"?
who
have not such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

To conclude
, in my perspective,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
being skilled
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
more dependent and put forward in the way of getting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, they need to give attention the learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
additionally
with the academic study.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that school children need to learn practical skills such as car maintenance or bank account management along with the academic subjects at school. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
264 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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