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Some people think that parents should be responsible for teaching children how to be good members of society. However, other people believe that school is the place for children to learn how to be good members of society. Discuss both these views and give v.2

Some people think that parents should be responsible for teaching children how to be good members of society. However, other people believe that school is the place for children to learn how to be good members of society. 2
As unemployment has become the major global issue and arising on the daily basis. In a few countries, it's been legal for the person of any age to apply for a job and the companies cannot decline their application just because of their age. I completely think it as a positive development and I would like to discuss about the positive impacts of it in the following paragraphs. Firstly, the jobless will get more opportunities to get a new job. As the proportion of jobless people is increasing drastically, however, through this law, there would be more chances for them to get a new working job, which will directly lower the percentage of crimes, because crimes are mostly done by the jobless and frustrated person. Also, it will directly lead to the nation's development because as the more people will get hired by the multinational companies more it will affect GDP of respective country, which will result in the growth of both the individual and constituency. For example, BANGLADESH has applied this law, due to which their youth and older generation are getting occupation and it produced a tremendous outcome because BANGLADESH has become one of the powerful country in the ASIA. Hence, removal of such laws is necessary to build in the positive way. Secondly, there would be the rise of rivalry between the redundant population. Competition will force them to work hard to achieve the goal of their life because such race produces extraordinary talents, which may lead the nation to a very high level. Also, the literacy rate will get affected in increasing order and they will get attention of other countries to invest in them. For example, KERALA one of the most literate state of the INDIA, is the main targeted place for many corporate sectors to establish their factories and offices there. Thus, competition is necessary in every one's life to produce good results. In conclusion, there should be availability of placement for any age group because it would be resulting in the decrease in the unemployment rate and also, there would be hike of the competition and to touch the peak of the goal of the life, competition is required. Due to which, the prohibition of such codes is beneficial.
As unemployment has become the major global issue and arising on the daily basis. In a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, it's been legal for the person of any age to apply for a job and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
cannot decline their application
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their age. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it as a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development and I would like to
Did you mean simply "discuss the"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impacts of it in the following paragraphs.

Firstly
, the jobless will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more opportunities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a new job. As the proportion of jobless
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
is increasing
drastically
,
however
, through this law, there would be more chances for them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a new working job, which will
directly
lower the percentage of crimes,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
crimes are
mostly
done by the jobless and frustrated person.
Also
, it will
directly
lead to the nation's development
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
as the more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
hired by the multinational
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
more it will affect GDP of respective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, which will result in the growth of both the individual and constituency.
For example
, BANGLADESH has applied this law, due to which their youth and older generation are getting occupation and it produced a tremendous outcome
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
BANGLADESH has become one of the powerful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
in the ASIA.
Hence
, removal of such laws is necessary to build in the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
way.

Secondly
, there would be the rise of rivalry between the redundant population.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Competition
will force them to work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to achieve the goal of their life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
such race produces extraordinary talents, which may lead the nation to a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
high level.
Also
, the literacy rate will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
in increasing
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
order and
they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
attention of other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
to invest in them.
For example
, KERALA one of the most literate state of the INDIA, is the main targeted place for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
corporate sectors to establish their factories and offices there.

Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
is necessary in every one's life to produce
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
results.

In conclusion
, there should be availability of placement for any age group
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it would be resulting in the decrease in the unemployment rate and
also
, there would be
Consider using a past participle here: "hiked".
hike
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
and to touch the peak of the goal of the life,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
is required
. Due to which, the prohibition of such codes is beneficial.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that parents should be responsible for teaching children how to be good members of society. However, other people believe that school is the place for children to learn how to be good members of society. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
376 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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