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Some people think that music plays an important role in society. Others think it is simply a form of entertainment. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

Some people think that music plays an important role in society. Others think it is simply a form of entertainment. Discuss both sides and give your opinion 0AWYQ
It is often argue whether music has a crucial place in society or it is only about entertainment. I think music is important because it gives us a hint of culture and history about a particular society. I will discuss both sides throughout this essay. Music has been existed for a quite long time in almost all geographies. Since the tools and gadget are varies depend on region to region, insturaments for making music also shows diversity depends on avability of materials to make music in that specific place. Because of this reason by looking through the way of their making music would provide us with many crucial details on culture and history of former nations. For example, Folk music is existed in every countries with carrying different ryhtms and melodies inside of it. This is because, historical events and culture’s itself highly effected on the way people putting their emotions into their music. On the other hand some people argue that music has no dephts rather than serving to people with sense of having fun. Nowadays, the way of making music is slightly the same in many different countries as many of them following nearly the same global trends. Concerts, shows, musicals give people a great number of options, however, in terms of representing cultures they are extermely weak. For example many people going out to bars and pubs to get relaxed and be entertained and usually these placeses offer their customers live music with local and sometimes nation-wide bands and singers whose only perform popular and trendy songs. To conclude, although in recent years music being mainly related with entertainment due to the global trends and expressions, however I beileve music is tremendously important for nations since it is allow us to understand former nations’ history and culture
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argue whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has a crucial place in society or it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
about entertainment. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it gives us a hint of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
and history about a particular society. I will discuss both sides throughout this essay.

Music has
been existed
for a quite long time in almost all geographies. Since the tools and gadget are varies depend on region to region,
Possible spelling mistake found.
insturaments
for making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
diversity depends on
Possible spelling mistake found.
avability
of materials to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
in that specific place.
Because of this
reason by looking through the way of their making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
would provide us with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
crucial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
and history of former nations.
For example
, Folk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is existed
in every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "country"?
countries
with carrying
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
Possible spelling mistake found.
ryhtms
and melodies
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "inside".
inside of
it. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, historical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture’s
itself
highly
effected on the way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
putting their emotions into their music.

On the other hand
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has no
Possible spelling mistake found.
dephts
rather
than serving to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with sense of having fun. Nowadays, the way of making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is
slightly
the same in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them following
nearly
the same global trends. Concerts,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
, musicals give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
a great number of options,
however
, in terms of representing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
they are
Possible spelling mistake found.
extermely
weak.
For example
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
going out to bars and pubs to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
relaxed and
be entertained
and
usually
these
Possible spelling mistake found.
placeses
offer their customers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
with local and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
nation-wide bands and singers whose
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
perform popular and trendy songs.

To conclude
, although in recent
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "years'" or "year's"?
years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
being
mainly
related with entertainment due to the global trends and expressions,
however
I
Possible spelling mistake found.
beileve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is
tremendously
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for nations since it is
Consider using a past participle here: "allowed".
allow
us to understand former nations’ history and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
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IELTS essay Some people think that music plays an important role in society. Others think it is simply a form of entertainment. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
299 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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