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Some people think that money is the best gift for teenagers. Others disagree. Discuss both these views and give your opinion? v.4

Some people think that money is the best gift for teenagers. Others disagree. v. 4
Nowadays, there is a trend of giving presentations to youngsters. Some of them gave money and others gave any type of accessories they want. In this essay, we discuss about the viewpoints of giving gifts of money or other things. On the one hand, money is the perfect gift for the teenagers. Because when he/she got money as a gift he/she can buy anything which they like. When we decide to buy a present for anyone, we just confused of their likes and dislikes. So by giving money, we can avoid the confusion. Furthermore, the adults do not know the modern trends. So they buy unusual things for the receiver. It is very difficult to buy accessories for teenagers like clothes, electronic gadgets, books, bags, shoes etc. Therefore giving money is better than unnecessary things. On the other hand, rather than money giving useful items will be worth more. Because the teenagers will mess with their money by involving in bad activities like indulging alcohol, using drugs, gambling, spend money on buying cigarettes etc. It leads to lack of concentration in their studies. So money makes them imperfect, because they didn't have enough maturity in spending money. Moreover, provide some useful things that might have important to their life. It will be remembered for life long. For instance, such as I got a watch from my sister on my childhood days. Even it is not working now, but I kept it in my gift box as a remembrance of my 8th birthday gift. So valuable things will be more remembered than money. In conclusion, I believe that other things than money will be the perfect gift for teenagers. Because a presentation will not be expensive or whether it is useful or not. It depends on the value of the person who gifted. By giving money is not a good way for the gift because it has more demerits than benefits when it is given to a teenager.
Nowadays, there is a trend of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
giving
presentations to youngsters.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
of them gave
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
gave any type of accessories they want. In this essay, we
Did you mean simply "discuss the"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about the
viewpoints of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
giving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gifts
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
things.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is the perfect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
when he/she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
he/she can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
anything which they like. When we decide to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
a present for anyone, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
confused of their likes and dislikes.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
giving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, we can avoid the confusion.

Furthermore
, the adults do not know the modern trends.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
unusual things for the receiver. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
accessories for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
like clothes, electronic gadgets, books, bags, shoes etc.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
giving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is better than unnecessary things.

On the
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other
hand,
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
giving
useful items will be worth more.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
the
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teenagers
will mess with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
by involving in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
activities like indulging alcohol, using drugs, gambling, spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on buying cigarettes etc. It leads to lack of concentration in their studies.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them imperfect,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they didn't have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
maturity in spending money.

Moreover
, provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
useful things that might have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to their life. It will
be remembered
for life long.
For instance
, such as I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
from my sister on my childhood days. Even it is not working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
it in my
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gift
box as a remembrance of my 8th birthday
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
valuable things will be more remembered than money.

In conclusion
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
things than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
will be the perfect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
a presentation will not be expensive or whether it is useful or not. It depends on the value of the person who gifted. By
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
giving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is not a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
way for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it has more demerits than benefits when it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenager
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
37Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
It is astonishing how much enjoyment one can get out of a language that one understands imperfectly.
Basil Lanneau Gildersleeve

IELTS essay Some people think that money is the best gift for teenagers. Others disagree. v. 4

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
327 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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