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Some people think that money is the best gift for teenagers. Others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.13

Some people think that money is the best gift for teenagers. Others disagree. v. 13
In these days, there is a heated argument between people whether they have to present a money or toys to their children on the occasions of their birthday or any other festivals. This essay intends to discuss about the both views. However, I feel that rupees are not necessary for toddlers, because they may get spoiled because of that excess amount. To begin with the one notion, there are myriad things taken into consideration of its favour. Firstly, adolescents who are from the rich family background are offered with a money as a gift from their father and mother or from their relatives. Youngsters who are gaining money from their parents, are saving that money for the further extra curricular activities like excursions and farewells that are organised by the schools or colleges. Furthermore, they tend to aware of how to save money and how to fulfil their dreams. On the other hand, others, include myself, are of the opinion that regular toys, chocolates and pencils are suitable gifts for the babies, instead of providing huge amount of cash. Firstly, teenagers are fascinating towards technology related objects such as remote control vehicles, video games rather than hundreds and thousands. Moreover, parents are happy to give bicycles to their children as riding is a part of physical education. Having discussed arguments and counter arguments, I rather believe that parents should buy things like school bags and calculators, because they have to see their children's future not to get deviated from money and wealth. To conclude that, I reiterate my statement by saying that, although, juveniles need money to enjoy themselves, parents should not offer money as gifts and they should give items other than money.
In these days, there is a heated argument between
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
whether they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
present a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
or toys to their children on the occasions of their birthday or any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
festivals. This essay intends to
Did you mean simply "discuss the"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about the
both views.
However
, I feel that rupees are not necessary for toddlers,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
spoiled
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of that excess amount.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with the one notion, there are myriad things
You have fused two expressions into one, "in consideration of" and "taking into consideration." Remove the word "of" from the end: "taken into consideration".
taken into consideration of
its
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
.
Firstly
, adolescents who are from the rich family background
are offered
with a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
as a gift from their father and mother or from their relatives. Youngsters who are gaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, are saving that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for the
further
This word is normally spelled as one.
extra curricular
activities like excursions and farewells that are
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
by the schools or colleges.
Furthermore
, they tend to aware of how to save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and how to fulfil their dreams.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, others, include myself, are of the opinion that regular toys, chocolates and pencils are suitable gifts for the babies,
instead
of providing huge amount of cash.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are fascinating towards technology related objects such as remote control vehicles, video games
rather
than hundreds and thousands.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are happy to give bicycles to their children as riding is a part of physical education.

Having discussed arguments and counter arguments, I
rather
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
things like school bags and calculators,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
their children's future not to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
deviated from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and wealth.

To conclude
that, I reiterate my statement by saying that, although, juveniles need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to enjoy themselves,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should not offer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
as
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
gifts and
they should give items
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some people think that money is the best gift for teenagers. Others disagree. v. 13

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
284 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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