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Some people think that life is better in cities, however others claim that village life is far better. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people think that life is better in cities, however others claim that village life is far better. v. 1
One of the biggest debate humans have is whether city life is better than village life or vice versa. However, I believe that rural life is far better than urban life. This will indulge in both views. To commence, with the multifarious reasons why some people think that life in towns is better. The predominant one is that availability of all facilities, such as hospitals for health treatments, college and universities for good education, shopping centers for shopping needs etcetera. Whereas, people living in rural areas have to go in cities to get such amenities. Therefore, people believe that life is full of provisions in cities. Instead of this is cultural diversity. Some of the large cities attract people to come and live from different backgrounds. We can meet them and can know about their culture activities and lifestyle. Moving further, with the advantages of living in rural areas. First and foremost is that it is a pollution free place to live. This is free from all type of pollutions, for example air pollution, noise pollution, water pollution. Villagers breath in fresh air that makes them strong and healthy. While in cities pollution is on high level which cause to many diseases. Apart from this, is fresh and organic food. It is true that people have wide area to grow their own food, for instance rice, vegetables, fruits, milk etcetera, which is Free from mixture and chemicals and healthy for them. In conclusion, to agglomerating the above-mentioned viewpoints, it can be said that masses hold distinct perceptions. As both the motions are relevant to some extent.
One of the biggest debate humans have is whether city
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is better than village
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
or vice versa.
However
, I believe that rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is far better than urban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. This will indulge in both views.

To commence, with the multifarious reasons why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
in towns is better. The predominant one is that availability of all facilities, such as hospitals for health treatments, college and universities for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
education, shopping centers for shopping needs etcetera.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
living in rural areas
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
go in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
such amenities.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is full of provisions in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
.
Instead
of this is cultural diversity.
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
attract
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
backgrounds. We can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
them and can know about their culture activities and lifestyle.

Moving
further
, with the advantages of living in rural areas.
First
and foremost is that it is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pollution
free place to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
. This is free from all type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pollutions
,
for example
air
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pollution
, noise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pollution
, water
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pollution
. Villagers breath in fresh air that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them strong and healthy.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pollution
is on high level which cause to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
diseases. Apart from this, is fresh and organic food. It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have wide area to grow their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
food,
for instance
rice, vegetables, fruits, milk etcetera, which is Free from mixture and chemicals and healthy for them.

In conclusion
, to agglomerating the above-mentioned viewpoints, it can
be said
that masses hold distinct perceptions.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
both the motions are relevant to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some people think that life is better in cities, however others claim that village life is far better. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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