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Some people think that job satisfaction is more important than job security, while some people think that they cannot always expect job satisfaction, a permanent job is more important. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Some people think that job satisfaction is more important than job security, while some people think that they cannot always expect job satisfaction, a permanent job is more important. Ex5b
I live in Indonesia, In my country most of folks think that job is very important about their live. In Indonesia most of people is unemployed. Furthermore, a lot of job in Indonesia does not really affect of Indoonesia economic. First of all, let us take a look an advantage and disadvantage from job satisfaction. A number of people in Indonesia debate about which are important from job satisfaction or job permanent. Furthermore, in point of view we can easy going if we enjoy with this job. Moreover, we can get a lot of friends. For example, a number of people in Indonesia working on job that they don’t like. On the other hand, permanent job has a lot of positive and negative impact. Moreover, we can get a bonus if our job performance is excellent. Thus, most of people who work in permanent job can improve the skill that they have. For example, my brother work in hospital in Jakarta. Then, my brother now is super enjoy with this job. In addition, my brother have a new skill about how to take a patient who is very dangerous circumstances. But, permanent job has a number of negative impact. Furthermore, we cannot easy to resign with this job if we not interested with this job. In conclusion, most of job is important for a number of people. Moreover, most of people in Indonesia is unemployed. Furthermore, I am half of agree with the decision. Because, in my opinion all of job is same, depend of us in the face of job.
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in Indonesia, In my country
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the folks") or simply say "most folks".
most of folks
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
about their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
. In Indonesia most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is unemployed
.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in Indonesia does not
really
affect of
Possible spelling mistake found.
Indoonesia
economic.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
us take a look an advantage and disadvantage from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
satisfaction. A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in Indonesia debate about which are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
satisfaction or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
permanent
.
Furthermore
, in point of view we can easy going if we enjoy with this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
Moreover
, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
friends.
For example
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in Indonesia working on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
that they don’t like.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
permanent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact.
Moreover
, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a bonus if our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
performance is excellent.
Thus
, most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who work in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
permanent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
that they have.
For example
, my brother work in hospital in Jakarta. Then, my brother
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
is super enjoy with this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
In addition
, my brother have a new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
about how to take a patient who is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
circumstances.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
permanent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
has a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact.
Furthermore
, we cannot easy to resign with this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
if we not interested with this job.

In conclusion
, most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Moreover
, most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in Indonesia
is unemployed
.
Furthermore
, I am half of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the decision.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
, in my opinion all of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
is same,
The verb 'to depend' requires the preposition '(up)on': "depend on".
depend
of us in the face of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
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IELTS essay Some people think that job satisfaction is more important than job security, while some people think that they cannot always expect job satisfaction, a permanent job is more important.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
261 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
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