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Some people think that hardworking and determination are the key factors for being successful in life. Other people feel that other factors are important. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.4

Some people think that hardworking and determination are the key factors for being successful in life. Other people feel that other factors are important. v. 4
There are two schools of thoughts about the success in life, some believe that hard work and devotion are the key factors, whereas a few have an opinion that other factors, like luck, play a role in it as well. In my opinion, I agree with the former group as toiling hard with determination is must to achieve the goal. Firstly, achieving a specific target requires continuous effort which must be focused and full of dedication, as God help those who help themselves, and I also support this idea. If a person wants to be successful, initially he has to set a specific goal, then he should start toiling day and night. This, on the one hand, will give him a right direction, while, on the other hand, will pave his path towards glory. For instance, all the top leaders of the world were dedicated workers and burnt the midnight oil to climb the leader of success. Secondly, a group of people believe that destiny plays a strong role. They are of the opinion that being famous is written in the fate of a person whether he strives for it or not. Furthermore, the concept of divine help has also strengthened this belief of luck. This will, ultimately, make people lazy and idle as they will be kept waiting for a miracle to happen. For example, history is full of stories about nations, who are now extinct, as they waited for some unknown help and did nothing for themselves. To conclude, I believe that there is no gain without pain, so it's must to strive hard with full force to achieve the glorious position.
There are two schools of thoughts about the success in life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and devotion are the key factors, whereas a few have an opinion that other factors, like luck, play a role in it
as well
. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the former group as toiling
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
with determination is
After 'must', the verb is used without 'to'. Probably, you should use "must" or "have to" here.
must to
achieve the goal.

Firstly
, achieving a specific target requires continuous effort which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be focused
and full of dedication, as God
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
those who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
themselves, and I
also
support this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
. If a person wants to be successful,
initially
he
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
set a specific goal, then he should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
toiling day and night. This, on the one hand, will give him a right direction, while,
on the other hand
, will pave his path towards glory.
For instance
, all the top leaders of the world
were dedicated
workers and burnt the midnight oil to climb the leader of success.

Secondly
, a group of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that destiny plays a strong role. They are of the opinion that being
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
is written
in the fate of a person whether he strives for it or not.
Furthermore
, the concept of divine
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
has
also
strengthened this belief of luck. This will,
ultimately
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
lazy and idle as they will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
waiting for a miracle to happen.
For example
, history is full of stories about nations, who are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
extinct, as they waited for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
unknown
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
and did nothing for themselves.

To conclude
, I believe that there is no gain without pain,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it's
After 'must', the verb is used without 'to'. Probably, you should use "must" or "have to" here.
must to
strive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
with full force to achieve the glorious position.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that hardworking and determination are the key factors for being successful in life. Other people feel that other factors are important. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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